The power of parting Finding peace and freedom through family estrangement

Many books encourage victims of childhood abuse to forgive their persecutors or forget their past. Dolan, who was beaten regularly by his mother, found power in finally cutting all ties as an adult. According to the author, the victim is never to blame, and often the real answer is to step away from the abuse and the abuser. Abuse, particularly psychological and neglect, is often unrecognized in a family, says the author, and this abuse can continue through adulthood. Dolan shares stories of his childhood as well as tales of other survivors. His mission is to encourage other victims to separate from their abusers without guilt and to examine the hidden side of family abuse. There can be no forgiveness without accountability, says the author, and he lays out strategies for setting boundaries, the benefits of estrangement, and ways society can help these victims. It's a difficult subject, but Dolan faces it with courage and optimism. His willingness to openly share his story will give readers in similar positions a path through their pain.

Dolan, a VP and executive editor at Simon & Schuster, aims in this levelheaded debut guide to walk readers through the process of ceasing communication with or otherwise "stepping away from" an abusive relative. Drawing on his own decision to cut ties with his physically and emotionally abusive mother 12 years ago--and from interviews with other victims--he outlines the challenges of familial estrangement in a society where underfunded social services are ill-equipped to recognize psychological abuse; where "an army of cultural forces," including TV shows and movies, glorify the family unit; and where social taboos frame "abandoning" one's parents as selfish and extreme. Exploring both "partial and total separation," Dolan recommends taking a short break from the abusive family member to get more comfortable with the idea, then making rules that the abuser must follow in order to remain in touch. If the rules are broken, it can lead to reduced contact or complete estrangement, though Dolan takes care to note that estrangement is best viewed as on a "continuum" and even total separation need not be permanent. Dolan acknowledges the deep grief that can result from cutting family members out of one's life but makes a strong case for its value as a form of self-care that offers victims greater agency and self-knowledge. The result is a smart and sensitive primer on a tricky and little-discussed issue. (Apr.)

A white male survivor of childhood abuse provides an alternative look at estrangement. When Dolan was a child, his mother regularly physically abused him and his siblings with a wooden spoon. She also "had other weapons in her arsenal, like berating us in public or dialing the water heater down to its lowest setting" or serving them barely edible food. The author uses his experience as an example of how the current emphasis of approaching estrangement through the lens of future forgiveness marginalizes and harms survivors, whose experience of childhood abuse Dolan compares to the suffering of "enslaved people, concentration camp survivors, and others who have endured the worst harm their fellow humans could inflict." In addition to summarizing the lifelong mental consequences of surviving childhood psychological abuse, he offers a system for deciding whether to consider estrangement as a viable option for parting with abusers, explores the "spectrum" of approaches to estrangement, and describes ways to leave the door open for abusers willing to undergo significant personal healing and change. He also explores the nonexistence of rituals for processing estrangement-related grief, calling this lack of options "another instance of the de facto conspiracy our culture has constructed to ignore and compound survivors' pain," and encourages survivors to make use of treatments like inner-child work and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, even if they sound "nutty." This much-needed addition to the literature around estrangement is well researched, tightly structured, and eminently practical. At times, Dolan's zealousness and insistence on his own marginalization undermine his message and break the journalistic tone. Overall, though, this is a valuable tool for adult survivors. A practical approach to healthy estrangement. Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.