Sideshow Living with loss and moving forward with faith

Rickey Smiley

Book - 2024

How do you live with the pain of watching someone you love suffer from addiction? How do you cope with the grief of losing them especially when your job is to make people laugh every day? Comedian Rickey Smiley has dealt with these immensely difficult questions for years--first with his father, then with his son. Both battled drug addictions. Both died from overdoses. Both left Rickey weary and wounded. Far from healed, Rickey has learned how to find moments of peace. He's practicing how to hold the good with the grief, the past gifts with the present heartache, the hope with the hurt. It's the "sideshow" he's living. It's anything but a smooth path, but he's on it, and he's moving forward. And he inv...ites you to come with him. Join a fellow hurting soul as he sits with his trauma, leans into therapy, and relies heavily on his faith and Scripture, which give him solace and strength. Rickey and his story will help you: Feel seen and know you are not alone; Process your pain and manage weariness and grief; Invite God's strength into your weakness; Find a way forward and move toward peace. Our pain may take hold of us in ways that are crippling, out of nowhere, and impossible to control. But there is One who can hold us tighter and keep us grounded, who gives the gift of peace that goes beyond understanding and guides us through each day. --

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  • Author's Note
  • Introduction: That Sunday
  • Part 1. I Am A Son
  • 1. Holding Back the Tears
  • 2. Faith and Funkadelic
  • 3. Roasting and Repair
  • 4. Son of Birmingham
  • Part 2. I Am A Father
  • 5. Becoming a Dad
  • 6. When Addiction Chases the Bloodline
  • 7. Estrangement
  • 8. Grief Times Four
  • 9. Burying My Baby Boy
  • 10. Something and Nothing like Closure
  • 11. The Insult to the Injury
  • Part 3. I Am Healing
  • 12. Let the Tears Fall
  • 13. Got Me Some Gratitude
  • 14. Determined to Laugh and Heal
  • Epilogue: Double for My Trouble
  • Acknowledgments
  • Notes
  • About the Author
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

Comedian and radio host Smiley (Stand by Your Truth) paints a wrenching portrait of grief and faith in the wake of his 32-year-old son's death in 2023. After receiving the call that his son had overdosed, Smiley sleepwalked through the following days as he cared for his other kids, arranged the burial, and dealt with eerie echoes of his own father's death from drugs when the author was six. After Smiley returned to work, he would go "from crying my eyes out in my dressing room to... having the whole audience nearly pass out with uncontrollable laughter." He soon came to see the emotional highs as part of the mourning process--finding "glimmers of light" within grief, he writes, honors the deceased and proves that God can "orchestrate something good from pain." Smiley also meditates on the value of therapy in healing from tragedy; the horrors of watching one's child spiral into addiction; and questions of whether he could have done more to intervene. Smiley's depiction of grief is both raw and nuanced, giving due equally to the comforts and paradoxes of faith--"the same God I may question regarding the loss of my son," he writes, "is the same God who is helping me... survive that loss." It's a heartbreaker. (Sept.)

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