Difficult conversations : how to discuss what matters most

Difficult conversations How to discuss what matters most

Douglas Stone, 1958-

Book - 2023

"The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask" We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to: · Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation · Start a conversation without defensiveness · Listen for the meaning of what is not said · Stay balanced in the face of attacks and ...accusations · Move from emotion to productive problem solving"--

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Subjects
Interpersonal communication.
Interpersonal communication > Case studies.
Case studies.
Genres
Case studies
Published
[New York, New York] : Penguin Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC 2023.
Language
English
Main Author
Douglas Stone, 1958- (author)
Other Authors
Bruce Patton (author), Sheila Heen
Edition
Third edition, fully updated and revised. Revised edition
Item Description
Revised edition of Difficult conversations, 1999.
Place of publication from publisher's website.
Physical Description
xxiv, 372 pages ; 20 cm
ISBN
9780143137597
  • Preface to the Third Edition
  • Preface to the Second Edition
  • Foreword
  • Introduction
  • The Problem
  • 1. Sort Out the Three Conversations
  • Shift to a Learning Stance
  • The "What Happened?" Conversation
  • 2. Stop Arguing About Who's Right: Explore Each Other's Stories
  • 3. Don't Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact
  • 4. Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System
  • The Feelings Conversation
  • 5. Hove Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You)
  • The Identity Conversation
  • 6. Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What's at Stake
  • Create a Learning Conversation
  • 7. What's Your Purpose? When to Raise It and When to Let Go
  • 8. Getting Started: Begin from the Third Story
  • 9. Learning: Listen from the Inside Out
  • 10. Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power
  • 11. Problem-Solving: Take the Lead
  • 12. Putting It All Together
  • Ten Questions People Ask About Difficult Conversations
  • 1. It sounds like you're saying, everything is relative. Aren't some things just true, and can't someone simply be wrong?
  • 2. What if the other person really does have bad intentions - lying, bullying, or intentionally derailing the conversation to get what they want?
  • 3. What if the other person is genuinely difficult, perhaps even struggling with mental health issues?
  • 4. What if the other side has more power, or the game is stacked against me?
  • 5. If I'm the boss/parent, can't I just tell my subordinates/children what to do?
  • 6. Isn't this a very American approach? How does it work in other cultures?
  • 7. What about conversations that aren't face-to-face? What should I do differently if I'm on the phone, text, email, video call, or social media?
  • 8. Why do you advise people to "bring feelings into the workplace"? I'm not a therapist, and shouldn't business decisions be made on the merits?
  • 9. Who has time for all this in the real world?
  • 10. My Identity Conversation keeps getting stuck in either-or: I'm perfect or I'm horrible. 1 can't seem to get past that. What can I do?
  • Acknowledgments
  • Notes on Some Relevant Organizations
Review by Booklist Review

This latest how-to from the Harvard Negotiation Project may not spend as long on best-seller lists as Getting to YES (1992), but it will appeal to readers who've endured hostile, annoying, and utterly unproductive talks with family members, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, and acquaintances. The authors' central insight is that tough conversations are difficult because they blend three layers: each party's version of "what happened"; each party's feelings; and the identity issues the subject raises for each party. By sorting out these three layers and adopting a curious, "learning" approach, one can take on sensitive subjects while strengthening rather than threatening long-term relationships. The authors draw on their background in negotiation, mediation, and law but also on "organizational behavior; cognitive, client-centered, and family therapies; social psychology; communication theory; and the growing body of work around the idea of `dialogue.'" These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice--advice selected by both The Literary Guild and the Doubleday Book Club for their readers. Expect requests. --Mary Carroll

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

Bringing together the insights of such diverse disciplines as law, organizational behavior, cognitive, family and social psychology and "dialogue" studies, Stone, Patton and Heen, who teach at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, illustrate how to handle the challenges involved in effectively resolving "difficult conversations," whether in an interpersonal, business or political context. While many of their points are simplisticÄdon't ignore your feelings, consider the other person's intentions, take a break from the situationÄthey're often overlooked in stressful moments. Most useful are the strategies for disarming the impulse to lay blame and for exploring one's own contribution to a tense situation. Also of value are specific recommendations for bringing emotions directly into a difficult discussion by talking about them and paying attention to the way they can subtly inform judgments and accusations. If these recommendations aren't followed, the authors contend, emotions will seep into the discussion in other, usually damaging, ways. Stone, Patton and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format. While "difficult conversations" may not have the intrinsic appeal of the Harvard Negotiation Project's previous bestseller, Getting to Yes, this book is a cogent resource for those who see the sense in preparing for tough talks in advance. Agent, Esther Newberg. Ad/promo; author tour. (Apr.) FYI: Patton is the co-author of Getting to Yes. (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Review by Library Journal Review

Stone and his coauthors, teachers at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, present an informative, practical guide to the art of handling difficult conversationsÄe.g., firing an employee, ending a relationship, or discussing marital conflicts. The information is based on 15 years of research and thousands of personal interviews. The authors define a difficult conversation as "anything you find it hard to talk about." Each chapter recommends step-by-step techniques that can lead to a more constructive approach for dealing with distressing interactions, so that a difficult conversation can become a learning conversation. Examples of right and wrong conversations from everyday life are used throughout the book, which is extremely well organized and easy to follow. This will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives. Recommended for self-help collections in public and academic libraries.ÄElizabeth Goeters, Georgia Perimeter Coll., Dunwoody (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

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