I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki

Se-hŭi Paek, 1990-

Book - 2022

"A successful young social media director at a publishing house chronicles her ten years of psychiatric treatment for depression and she fought back against the harmful behaviors that kept her locked in a cycle of self-abuse"--

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Subjects
Genres
Autobiographies
Published
New York : Bloomsbury Publishing 2022.
Language
English
Korean
Main Author
Se-hŭi Paek, 1990- (author)
Physical Description
xi, 192 pages ; 22 cm
ISBN
9781635579383
  • Prologue
  • 1. Slightly Depressed
  • 2. Am I a Pathological Liar?
  • 3. I'm Under Constant Surveillance
  • 4. My Desire to Become Special Isn't Special at All
  • 5. That Goddamn Self-Esteem
  • 6. What Should I Do to Know Myself Better?
  • 7. Regulating, Judging, Being Disappointed, Leaving
  • 8. Medication Side Effects
  • 9. Obsession with Appearances and Histrionic Personality Disorder
  • 10. Why Do You Like Me? Will You Still Like Me If I Do This? Or This?
  • 11. I Don't Look Pretty
  • 12. Rock Bottom
  • 13. Epilogue: It's Okay, Those Who Don't Face Darkness Can Never Appreciate the Light
  • 14. Psychiatrist's Note: From One Incompleteness to Another
  • 15. Postscript: Reflections on Life Following Therapy
Review by Booklist Review

The cover boasts a recommendation from global phenom BTS's leader RM. The PR materials tout its "runaway best-seller" status in its native South Korea, where mental illness remains stigmatized in a country with one of the world's highest suicide rates. As a twentysomething social media director in publishing, Baek "seem[ed] totally fine on the outside but [was] rotting on the inside." Diagnosed with dysthymia--"a state of constant, light -depression"--Baek sought therapy. She distills her experiences into 12 chapters of transcribed sessions with her psychiatrist, augmented with reflections and revelations about her damaging relationships with family, lovers, colleagues, friends, her impossible standards of beauty, her judgmental self-esteem. Near book's end, her psychiatrist adds an affecting chapter about "ordinary, incomplete" people. Tteokbokki, by the way, is a Korean comfort food comprised of rice cakes and hot sauce. With candor and humor, Baek offers readers and herself resonant moments of empathy: "my hope is for people to read this book and think, I wasn't the only person who felt like this." Originally published in 2018, this arrives in the U.S. sensitively English-enabled by favored translator Hur.

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

In this candid if stilted debut, South Korean essayist Sehee documents the intensive therapy sessions that led her out of depression and anxiety. She starts from the first appointment she had with her psychiatrist, chronicling her struggles to find a medication that will ease her symptoms as she works, between sessions, to apply what she's learning, challenging herself to be more socially engaged with others, whether it be through attending a movie club or negotiating difficult disagreements with friends. Though heartfelt, the forced neatness of Sehee's diaristic installments feels unnatural when juxtaposed with the complicated interior life that she and her psychiatrist trawl for meaning. Sehee's emotional recollections of growing up in an abusive household, struggling with self image, and turning to books as she learns to embrace solitude lose their potential poignancy when reconstructed in dialogue with her therapist: "ME: I'm also obsessive about my looks. There was a time I would never leave the house without make-up.... PSYCHIATRIST: It's not your looks themselves that generate your obsessiveness." As a result, profound subjects like the stigma of suicide are lost in the weeds of the monotonous stretches that surround references to them. Sehee's mission to normalize conversation about mental illness is an admirable one, but this memoir fails to animate that goal. (Nov.)

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Review by Library Journal Review

Sehee, a successful professional in the publishing industry, grew up in Korea with an abusive father and a hypercritical mother. Internalizing their behavior, she questioned and criticized herself to the point of depression and severe anxiety. The depression is disruptive but not so debilitating that she does not still want her favorite foods, such as tteokbokki, a spicy rice cake popular in Korean cuisine. After initiating therapy with a psychiatrist, the author began to record her sessions, and the bulk of this book consists of transcriptions of their discussions about her depression and pervasive self-criticism. Sehee is honest and authentic throughout, beginning each chapter with a brief essay that introduces a topic she wants to discuss with the psychiatrist and concluding with an essay reflecting on what she learned from the session. Chapters address topics such as honesty, self-surveillance, self-esteem, medication, physical attractiveness, and more. VERDICT This is a sincere attempt at self-discovery that will resonate with young people who suffer from similar forms of depression and anxiety.--Rebecca Mugridge

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Review by Kirkus Book Review

A South Korean author recounts her long journey through anxiety and depression. Tteokbokki is a popular Korean dish of bland rice cakes immersed in a spicy pepper sauce. The duality is a good metaphor for this book, a bestseller in South Korea. Baek has dysthymia, a low-level but persistent depression. The narrative is primarily a collection of the author's discussions with her therapist, punctuated with short essays leavened by the poignancy of self-reflection and occasional flashes of humor. Though issues involving mental health continue to be stigmatized, Baek is clear in her belief that her story could help those in similar circumstances. "I wonder about those like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside," she writes, "where the rot is this vague state of being not-fine and not-devastated at the same time." While the author realizes that many of her problems stem from a painful family background, she also examines the pressure on Korean women to conform to an idealized image. She worries constantly about her appearance and what other people think about her, a mindset that plagues many Korean women. Some of the author's discussions relate directly to Korean culture, but much of it transcends borders and will resonate with readers around the world. As she gradually worked through the therapy process, Baek learned how to avoid the emotional roller coaster that comes with dysthymia and how to avoid constantly judging herself and others. Though the act of living always comes with ups and downs, it's important to keep them in context and seek an appropriate balance. Baek acknowledges that she might never be entirely free of her dysthymia, but she can manage it, live with it, and understand it as part of her being. At once personal and universal, this book is about finding a path to awareness, understanding, and wisdom. Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.