I keep trying to catch his eye A memoir of loss, grief, and love

Ivan Maisel, 1960-

Book - 2021

"In February 2015, Ivan Maisel received a call that would alter his life forever: his son Max's car was found abandoned in a parking next to Lake Ontario. Two months later, Max's body would be found in the lake. I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye is the story of Maisel's love for a son who was so different from him, but who he loved so deeply, and how he came to learn that grief for Max was nothing more than a last, ultimate expression of love. Navigating the moments of their complicated relationship, as well as their love each other, Maisel explores the bridges he tried to build to his son and the grief that engulfed him and his family after Max's death by suicide. Taking its title from Max's love of photography--...and his tendency to only love the camera when he was behind it, looking away whenever his picture was taken--I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye delves into the tragically transformative reality of losing a child, all with grace, depth, and refinement. But by humanizing Max and humanizing his grief, Maisel evokes understanding instead of sorrow, appreciation instead of anxiety--and love instead of fear"--

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Subjects
Published
New York : Hachette Books 2021.
Language
English
Main Author
Ivan Maisel, 1960- (author)
Edition
First edition
Physical Description
225 pages : illustrations ; 23 cm
ISBN
9780306925740
  • Chapter 1. Demystifying Grief
  • Chapter 2. Hey, Bud!
  • Chapter 3. College
  • Chapter 4. Going Public
  • Chapter 5. A Bad Day, a Great Ending
  • Chapter 6. A Ball Under Water
  • Chapter 7. First-Evers
  • Chapter 8. I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye
  • Chapter 9. The Hilinskis
  • Chapter 10. A Better Person
  • Chapter 11. The Lies We Tell Ourselves
  • Chapter 12. Every Day
  • Chapter 13. The Evolution of Coping
  • Acknowledgments
Review by Booklist Review

This poignant, understated memoir by former ESPN sportswriter Maisel (The Maisel Report) reflects on his experiences after the loss of his son Max, then a college student, to suicide. Max, who "didn't possess the tools to connect with people" and was increasingly depressed, walked into Lake Ontario on a winter day in 2015. His body wasn't found until months later. Maisel, who can only cope with his grief by writing about his feelings and experiences of the loss every day, depicts both his inner landscape, which is dominated by a struggle between guilt that he didn't do more to help his son and understanding that there was only so much he could do, and the outer sequence of events that follows the death: family gatherings, a memorial service, the placing of his son's ashes. Maisel touches on the reactions of his wife and two daughters, but, wishing to respect their privacy, keeps the focus on his own experience. Those who have lost a child will find a kindred spirit here.

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

Maisel (The Maisel Report), a former senior writer for ESPN, reflects on the tragedy of losing his 21-year-old son, Max, to suicide in this beautiful and heart-wrenching work. One morning in 2015, Maisel received a call from a sheriff's office in Upstate New York, near his son's college, reporting that Max's car had been found near the shore of Lake Ontario, with no sign of its owner. Maisel's worst fears were realized when it became clear that Max had deliberately walked out on the lake's frozen surface until the ice broke beneath him. While Maisel knew that Max had had his share of struggles--especially with connecting with other people--neither he nor his wife, Meg, were aware of the extent of their son's pain. Flashbacks to Max's childhood make him a vivid personality, and photos of him throughout render the author's grief devastatingly visceral. Even in the face of despair, the Maisels had no choice but to go on living without Max. Rather than succumbing to the "sugary, greeting-card emotion" that makes stories of grief, like his, palatable, Maisel writes honestly about learning how to have an "appreciation for what comes, with the understanding that I am guaranteed nothing." The result yields a deeply affecting testament to the fragility of life, and the human capacity for resilience. Agent: Jan Miller, Dupree Miller & Assoc. (Oct.)

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Review by Library Journal Review

Maisel, a former ESPN writer who lost his son Max to suicide, wrote this book as a way to express and cope with grief. The result is a tender account of a son's life by his loving father. Maisel tries to understand Max's death by reconsidering his life, and wishes he'd been able to help Max earlier. He delves into the nuances of how his wife and daughters and Max's friends and extended family processed and experienced their grief in different ways. Maisel heartbreakingly describes Max's complex and puzzling character and his roles as son, brother, and friend, in such a way that readers will come to enjoy his company. VERDICT A painful, cathartic memoir for those who have known someone who died by suicide or contemplated it. The grief, and sometimes guilt, of a father makes this memoir a difficult read, but Maisel's depiction of coping gives it a palpable warmth.--Amanda Ray, Iowa City P.L.

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Review by Kirkus Book Review

A chronicle of the heartbreaking aftermath of a son's suicide. In February 2015, Maisel, a sportswriter who spent a 20-year career covering college football for ESPN, learned that his son Max, a college junior, was missing, his car found abandoned near a lake in upstate New York. Soon it became clear that Max, who had long suffered from emotional problems, had killed himself. Maisel's raw, moving memoir is both a tribute to Max and an anatomical dissection of a father's grief. Unable, and unwilling, to "move on," Maisel learned to coexist with grief by understanding it as an expression of love. "Seeing grief as love helped me handle its all-consuming nature," Maisel writes. "Seeing grief as love made it seem less alien, less painful." Yet he was beset by guilt over not being able to rescue his son from the depression and hopelessness that led to his death. Although a psychologist assured him "there's zero, zero, zero, zero chance" that someone intent on suicide can be stopped, the author could not help but feel complicit. His denial about the seriousness of his son's problems, he reflects, was "partly rooted in my genuine faith that he would ultimately succeed, and mostly rooted in my fear of admitting to myself how desperate his mental condition might be." Max exhibited problems even as a young child. He had few friends ("my memories of Max are of him alone," Maisel writes), and he had physical difficulties: "He never slept well. Ever. He had trouble gripping a pencil, which led to handwriting that started out hard to decipher and never improved. He had the most ear infections." Sadly, he saw the world as "half empty." As the author recounts the years since Max's death, he acknowledges ways that he, his family, his connection to his work, and his view of the world have all changed--though "the permanence of the loss" remains. An intimate chronicle of abiding love. Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.