Why are we yelling? : the art of productive disagreement

Why are we yelling? The art of productive disagreement

Buster Benson

Book - 2019

"Does this sound familiar? You walk away from an argument and suddenly think of all the brilliant things you wish you'd said? You avoid family members and colleagues because of bitter, festering tension that you can't figure out how to address? Now, finally, there's a solution: a secret that frees you from the trap of unproductive conflict and pointless arguing forever. If the threat of raised voices, emotional outbursts, and public discord makes you want to hide under the conference room table, or if you're simply sick of unresolved arguments that never produce useful results, you're not alone. Conflict, or the fear of it, can be devastating. And the process of minimizing, deflecting, or avoiding difficult peo...ple can leave you brimming with repressed emotions. But as this powerful book argues, conflict doesn't have to be unpleasant. In fact, properly channeled, conflict can be the most powerful tool we have at our disposal for deepening relationships, solving problems, and coming up with new ideas. As the mastermind behind some of the highest-performing teams at Amazon, Twitter, and Slack, Buster Benson spent decades facilitating hard conversations in stressful environments. He found that even smart, eloquent people struggled to stay calm and keep their heads clear when differences of opinion arose. So he set out to find a better way to argue, staging a succession of experiments and informal debates, and studying the participants closely. He took note of the scripts people defaulted to and the chain reactions they caused. Slowly, patterns began to emerge. Buster's findings shattered his assumptions about what makes some arguments productive and others not, and dramatically improved his relationships at work, with his wife, and with strangers online. In this book, Buster reveals the psychological underpinnings of awkward, unproductive conflict, and the critical habits anyone can learn to avoid it. Armed with a deeper understanding of how arguments work and why, you'll be able to: * Remain confident when you're put on the spot * Diffuse tense moments with a few strategic questions * Facilitate creative solutions even when your team has radically different perspectives * Get through to the most stubborn people by understanding their motivations Freed of your fear of disagreement, you'll find yourself eager to engage with intimidating people and uncomfortable ideas. You'll end up having fewer repetitive, predictable fights, not because you're avoiding or squashing them, but because you're finally able to identify your biases, listen with an open mind, and communicate well. As your confidence grows, you'll shake off lingering memories of interactions that made you feel tongue-tied or incapable, knowing that it's in your power to steer the conversation wherever you want it"--

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Subjects
Interpersonal conflict.
Interpersonal communication.
Published
[New York, New York] : Portfolio/Penguin [2019]
Language
English
Main Author
Buster Benson (author)
Item Description
Place of publication from publisher's website.
Physical Description
277 pages : illustrations ; 22 cm
Bibliography
Includes bibliographical references (pages [251]-263) and index.
ISBN
9780525540106
  • Introduction: Three Misconceptions
  • Eight Things to Try
  • 1. Watch How Anxiety Sparks
  • 2. Talk to Your Internal Voices
  • 3. Develop Honest Bias
  • 4. Speak for Yourself
  • 5. Ask Questions That Invite Surprising Answers
  • 6. Build Arguments Together
  • 7. Cultivate Neutral Spaces
  • 8. Accept Reality, Then Participate in It
  • Afterword
  • A Note of Thanks
  • Acknowledgments
  • Further Reading
  • Notes
  • Index
Review by Booklist Review

After decades of experience facilitating difficult conversations, Silicon Valley entrepreneur Benson delves into the anatomy of arguments and delivers new ideas about productive disagreement. This well-organized book features witty illustrations and practical advice. He constructs a framework that helps remove readers from the trap of unproductive conflict and pointless arguing. He also covers related topics, such as anxiety, anger, avoidance, frustration, points of view, and more. Benson recommends Eight Things to Try in order to have more productive disagreements, including examining the anxieties born of past experiences that might make you more emotional about certain topics, and accepting the reality that not everyone is going to agree with you. The book is dotted with short explanations, such as common biases, and lists, including Guidelines for Productive Disagreements, as well as recommendations for further reading. Everyone faces disagreements. This easy-to-read and compelling book will appeal to a wide range of audiences, from students and parents to those in the workplace.--Jennifer Adams Copyright 2019 Booklist

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.

THE REALMS OF THE HEAD, HEART, AND HANDS The easiest thing you can do to have more productive disagree­ments immediately is to remember to ask the other person: "Is this about what's true, what's meaningful, or what's useful?" Is this about the head, the heart, or the hands? If you can agree on the answer, then you're on your way. When we're having a disagreement with someone, it's really useful to pay attention to which of the three realms we're experiencing. The three realms are: anxiety about what is true (the head realm of information and science), anxiety about what is meaningful (the heart realm of preferences and values), and anxiety about what is useful (the hands realm of practicality and planning). Each of them represents a part of reality that has its own rules for validation and different implications in a conversation. What works to resolve a disagreement in one realm will not work in the other two. Head realm: what is true? When a disagreement can be settled with information, we will call it a conflict of head, because it's about data and evidence that can be objectively verified as true or false out in the world. It is often concerned with the "what" of a situation.   Example: Two people have an argument about who gets to spend more time watching shows that they like versus shows that the other person likes. The resolution to this disagreement is mea­sured in hours, with some bias toward recent days. Heart realm: what is meaningful? When a disagreement can be settled only as a matter of personal taste, we'll call it a conflict of heart, because it's about preferences and values and judgment calls that can be determined only within oneself. It is often concerned with the "why" of a situation. Example: Two people have an argument about whether a partic­ular show is worth watching. The resolution to this disagreement is measured by personal taste, ability to relate, appreciation for dif­ferent kinds of narratives. Hands realm: what is useful? When a disagreement can only be settled with some form of test, or by waiting to see how things play out in the future, we'll call that a conflict of hands. It is often concerned with the "how" of a situation. Example: Two people have an argument about the best way to balance TV time that takes into consideration differences in prefer­ences, differences in show schedules, and differences in personal schedules to be agreeable to both parties. The resolution to this dis­agreement is measured by its utility in the relationship over time. What if it's all of the above? Disagreements always have at least one of these conflicts going on, but some will have a blend of two or all three. When that happens, asking "What is this about?" can help us separate these different arguments and then agree on which one should be addressed first. Excerpted from Why Are We Yelling?: The Art of Productive Disagreement by Buster Benson All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

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