Southern Lady Code Essays

Review by New York Times Review

SOUTHERN LADY CODE: ESSAYS, by Helen Ellis, read by the author. (Random House Audio.) Bringing her Alabama roots to her new life as a Manhattan housewife, Ellis offers a hilarious manifesto of manners and marriage tips for the modern woman. WE WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT TOMORROW WE WILL BE KILLED WITH OUR FAMILIES, by Philip Gourevitch, read by the author. (Macmillan Audio.) The author completed an all-new recording of his 1998 book - compiling the testimonies of survivors of the Rwandan genocide - for the 25 th anniversary of the atrocities this year. HEADS WILL ROLL, by Kate McKinnon and Emily Lynne, read by a full cast. (Audible.) This audio original comedy production, written by the "Saturday Night Live" star and her sister, features readings by luminaries like Meryl Streep, Tim Gunn and the "Queer Eye" Fab Five. "ORDINARY PEOPLE CHANGE THE WORLD," by Brad Meitzer, read by a full cast. (Listening Library.) For listeners ages 5 to 8, this audio collection of a popular picture-book biography series celebrates figures including Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Lucille Ball and Jackie Robinson. THE WILD HEART OF STEVIE NICKS, by Rob Sheffield, read by the author. (Audible.) The Rolling Stone journalist takes listeners on a wild ride through the life of the iconic rock star, based on firsthand interviews.

Copyright (c) The New York Times Company [May 12, 2019]

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Review by Booklist Review

Ellis (American Housewife, 2016) is a hoot and a half, which, as she might say, is Southern Lady Code for laughing ' til the tears flow funny. Raised in Alabama, living in Manhattan, Ellis is hardwired to bring her native region's innate gentility and decorum to every unlikely urban situation. Approached by a potential kidnapper? Just say no, thank you. Soothed by a particularly kind dental hygienist? Write a thank-you note. The more scandalous experiences of her youth hold her in good stead in New York's gritty clime. It's hard to be scared of a sewer rat when your father faked his own death as part of a Halloween prank. With tips on How to Stay Happily Married (separate bathrooms) to How to Be the Best Guest (do not question the canapés), Ellis can remain unruffled thanks to an upbringing that stressed manners and endorsed mayhem. In nearly two-dozen essays filled with belly laughs and bits of hard-won wisdom, Ellis' self-deprecating wit and tongue-in-cheek charm provide the perfect antidote to bad-hair, or bad-news, days.--Carol Haggas Copyright 2019 Booklist

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.

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Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

A vibrant storyteller with a penchant for the perverse, Ellis pivots from short stories (American Housewife) to nonfiction in this ribald collection of essays on manners, morals, and marriage, all colored by her off-kilter Alabama upbringing. From Marie Kondo's tidying-up magic to Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers and being a teenager in the 1980s, Ellis's sharp eye for pop-culture preoccupations inspires smart-mouthed provocations. She humorously describes her 23-year-old self in Manhattan on her way to a date "with a panty liner stuck to my back. Yes, it was used," and discusses happy couples and three-ways; the difference between gay men and Southern Effeminate men who "wear seersucker and bow ties... [and] collect salt shakers and cookie jars"; and being a good airline passenger ("I wipe down the [toilet] seat like I'm giving it a tetanus shot"). Ellis shares her mother's etiquette advice for handling street crime ("Always carry money for a mugger-three one-dollar bills wrapped in a five... then throw the money and run screaming Officer down!"), and tells of her father staging pretend gun violence to liven up a birthday party. Ellis is a strong, vivid writer-and this book is gut-busting funny. (Apr.) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

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Review by Library Journal Review

Expanding on the entry of the same title in Ellis's collection of short stories, American Housewife, these 23 essays are a delightful jaunt through what it means to be a Southern Lady. Covering topics as diverse as thank-you notes, paranormal sightings, and doctor visits, Ellis is not afraid to tackle the serious side of life, but she does it with a positive attitude and penchant for doing it her way. Listeners are sure to be letting out not-so-ladylike laughter at such gems as "I look so preppy, you would think my tramp stamp is a monogram." With her drawling accent and enthusiasm Ellis narrates the book, immersing the reader in a true Southern experience. VERDICT Just like a Southern Lady, this book is graceful but skewering, a must-read for fans of authors such as Nora Ephron, Mindy Kaling, and Jenny Lawson.--Donna Bachowski, Grand Island, FL

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

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Review by Kirkus Book Review

Humorous essays from a sassy Southern gal raised in Alabama and now based in New York City.Following her well-received book of short stories, American Housewife (2016), Ellis returns with a collection of witty essays filled with commentaries on a wide variety of aspects of her life. Though she pokes fun at the current tidying trendsparked largely by organizing consultant and author Marie Kondothat has people sorting through and discarding mountains of stuff, she discovers that she loves a clean house ("stepping into the Container Store for me is like stepping into a crack den"). Ellis shares her wisdom on staying happily married: "On his birthday, give him a singing card and shave above your knees.On Thanksgiving, dab a little Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup behind each ear. On Super Bowl Sunday, incorporate a giant "#1" foam finger into your lovemaking." The author also discusses why she didn't have children, the off-the-wall birthday parties her parents threw for her and her sister, what it's like to fly coach while seated in the middle seat, and a host of other zany topics. Throughout, she provides commentary on what certain words and phrases mean in "Southern Lady Code"e.g., a "vintage" book means "dog-eared, with ballpoint notes in the margins"; when discussing potential pregnancies, the phrase, " if it happens, it happens' is Southern Lady Code for we don't want kids." Whether she's out shopping for a special party outfit, swiping a trench coat, or sharing some of her own mother's witticisms, the author's brand of humor is subtle and mostly unforced. Her one-liners"sex is like a funny cat video: everyone thinks theirs is special, but we've all fallen off a couch"and consistently droll remarks keep the amusement factor high and the pages turning.Feisty, funny, lightweight observations on life Southern-style. Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

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Making a Marriage Magically Tidy I have the reputation of living what Marie Kondo would call a "magically tidy" life. My tights are rolled like sushi, my tabletops are bare, my kitchen is so clean I could perform surgery in it. But I wasn't always this way. When I was twenty-three, I left my New York City apartment with a panty liner stuck to my back. Yes, it was used. Yes, earlier that day, I'd taken it off and tossed it onto my twin bed like a bear throws salmon bones onto a rock. Once it was there, I guess I forgot about it. It was probably camouflaged. I promise you there was other stuff on the bed. My bed used to look like a landfill. Maybe I threw my coat over it and it stuck. And then I put my coat back on and rode a bus thirty blocks with a panty liner between my shoulder blades. No, nobody said a word. I didn't know it was there until my date gave me a hug and then peeled it off like he was at a burlesque show in hell. This was not the man I married. The man I married walked into my apartment and found Pop-Tart crusts on my couch. I can still see his face, bewildered and big-eyed, pointing at the crusts as if to ask, "Do you see them too?" I shrugged. He sat on the sofa. It is my husband's nature to accept me the way that I am. My nature is to leave every cabinet and drawer open like a burglar. My superpower is balancing the most stuff on a bathroom sink. If I had my druthers, I'd let cat puke dry on a carpet so it's easier to scrape up. If druthers were things, and I had a coupon for druthers, I'd stockpile them like Jell‑O because you never know when you might need some druthers. My husband fell in love with a creative woman. "Cre­ative" is Southern Lady Code for slob . But it is one thing to accept a slob for who she is; it is another to live with her. A year into our marriage, my husband complained. He said, "Would you mind keeping the dining room table clean? It's the first thing I see when I come home." What I heard was: "I want a divorce." What I said was: "Do you want a divorce?" "No," he said. "I just want a clean table." I called my mother. Mama asked, "What's on the table?" "Oh, everything. Whatever comes off my body when I come home. Shopping bags, food, coffee cups, mail. My coat." "Your coat?" "So I don't hang my coat in the closet--that makes me a terrible person? He knew who he was marrying. Why do I have to change?" Mama said, "Helen Michelle, for heaven's sake, this is a problem that can be easily solved. Do you know what other married women deal with? Drunks, cheaters, pov­erty, men married to their Atari." "Mama, there's no such thing as Atari anymore." "Helen Michelle, some women would be beaten with a bag of oranges for sass talk like that. You married a saint. Clean the goddamned table." And so, to save my marriage, I taught myself to clean. Not knowing where to start, I knelt before the TV at the Church of Joan Crawford, who said as Mildred Pierce, "Never leave one room without something for another." Yes, I'll admit she had a temper, but she knew how to clean. You scrub a floor on your hands and knees. You shake a can of Comet like a piggy bank. You hang your clothes in your closet a finger's width apart. And no, you do not have wire hangers. Ever. I have wooden hangers from the Container Store. They're walnut and cost $7.99 for a pack of six. I bought the hangers online because stepping into the Container Store for me is like stepping into a crack den. See, you're an addict trying to organize your crack, and they're sell­ing you pretty boxes to put your crack in. Pretty boxes are crack, so now you have more crack. But wooden hangers are okay. They're like mimosas. Nobody's going to OD on mimosas. Wooden hangers give you a boost of confidence. They make you feel rich and thin. They make a plain white shirt sexy. You promise yourself you'll fill one closet, and then you'll quit. But I didn't quit. To keep my buzz going, I asked my husband if I could clean his closet. He asked, "What does that mean?" I said, "Switch out your plastic hangers for wooden ones. What do you think I mean?" "I don't know, something new for Saturday night?" He did the air quotes: "Clean my closet." My new ways were so new he assumed I was making sexual advances. It's understandable--so much dirty talk sounds so hygienic: salad spinning and putting a teabag on a saucer. It's like Martha Stewart wrote Urban Dic­tionary. My husband opened his closet door and stepped aside. The man trusts me. I rehung his closet with military pre­cision. He said, "I never knew it could be this good." We kissed. And then I relapsed. I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was leaving the Dutch oven to soak overnight. Maybe it was tee-peeing books on my desk like a bonfire. Maybe it was shucking my panties off like shoes. And then my coat fell off the dining room table. And I left it there because the cats were using it as a bed. There it stayed along with laundry, newspapers, restaurant leftovers (that never made it to the fridge), and Zappos returns. My husband played hopscotch, never uttering a word of contempt, seemingly okay to coast on the memory of a pristine home as if it had been a once-in-a-lifetime bucket-list thrill like white-water rafting or winning a Pulitzer. Sure, he could have put things away, but every closet except for his was bulging and breathing like a porthole to another dimension. I scared myself straight by binge-watching Hoard­ers . What do you mean, that lady couldn't claw her way through her grocery bag "collection" to give her hus­band CPR? So I gave books I had read to libraries. Clothes I hadn't worn in a year went to secondhand stores. I gave away the microwave because I can melt Velveeta on a stove. And then came Marie Kondo's book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up . Or as I like to call it: "Surprise, You're Still a Hoarder!" Kondo's big question is: Does it spark joy? I took a harder look around my home and answered: Pretty boxes of novel manuscripts that were never pub­lished did not spark joy. Designer shoes I bought at sam­ple sales but never wore because they pinched my feet did not spark joy. My husband confessed that his inheritance of Greek doilies and paintings of fishing boats from his grandmother did not spark joy. So, out it all went. And what is left is us. And my husband is happier. I'm happier, too. Turns out I like a tidy house. And I like cleaning. Dusting is meditative. Boiling the fridge relieves PMS. Making the bed is my cardio, because to make a bed properly, you have to circle it like a shark. And all the while, I listen to audiobooks I would be too embarrassed to be caught reading. Not in the mood to clean a toilet? Listen to Naked Came the Stranger, and see if that doesn't pass the time. The downside is that my husband has created a mon­ster. I burn through paper towels like an arsonist. I joy­ride my vacuum--which has a headlight--in the dark. And I don't do it in pearls and a crinoline skirt. It's not unusual for me to wear an apron over my pajamas. I say, "Hey, it's me or the apartment. We can't both be pristine." Without hesitation, my husband will always choose the apartment. Sometimes, I invite him to join in my efforts, offering him the most awful tasks as if I'm giving him a treat. I'll say, "I'm going to let you scoop the cat box" or "I'm going to let you scrape the processed cheese out of the pan." My husband says, "You're like a dominatrix Donna Reed." I say, "Take off your shirt and scrape the pan, dear." He takes off his shirt and scrapes the pan. In our more than twenty years together, my husband's nature hasn't changed. Me, I'm a recovering slob. Every day I have to remind myself to put the moisturizer back in the medicine cabi­net, the cereal back in the cupboard, and the trash out before the can overflows. I have to remind myself to hang my coat in the closet. And when I accomplish all of this, I really do feel like a magician. Because now, when my husband comes home, the first thing he sees is me. Excerpted from Southern Lady Code: Essays by Helen Ellis All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

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