I want my epidural back : adventures in mediocre parenting

I want my epidural back Adventures in mediocre parenting

Karen Alpert

Book - 2016

"If you are the kind of mom who shapes your kiddo's organic quinoa into reproductions of the Mona Lisa, do not read this book ... But if you are the kind of parent who accidentally goes ballistic on your rugrats every morning because they won't put their shoes on and then you feel super guilty about it all day so you take them to McDonald's for a special treat but really it's because you opened up your freezer and panicked because you forgot to buy more frozen pizzas, then absolutely read this book"--Dust jacket flap.

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Subjects
Alpert, Karen > (Blogger)
Parenting > Anecdotes.
Parenting > Humor.
Parenthood > Anecdotes.
Parenthood > Humor.
Child rearing > Anecdotes.
Child rearing > Humor.
Motherhood > Anecdotes.
Motherhood > Humor.
Mothers > Biography.
Anecdotes.
Humor.
Genres
Anecdotes
Humor
Published
New York, NY : William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers [2016]
Language
English
Main Author
Karen Alpert (author)
Edition
First edition
Physical Description
x, 309 pages : illustrations ; 19 cm
ISBN
9780062427083
  • Introduction
  • Be the Best Damn Mediocre Parent You Can Be
  • You might he a mediocre mom if...
  • Girl Scout troop leaders F'ing rock, which is exactly why I shouldn't be one
  • Shit I do that I know I shouldn't do
  • A love letter to another mediocre mom
  • A completely unscientific study about multitasking
  • Twenty-eight ways being a mom is like being in prison
  • Tell Those Overachieving Moms to Suck It
  • Only a-holes send chain letters
  • A bunch of things I do that would make overachieving moms think I'm a shitty mom, and maybe they're right but I don't care
  • Yo douchebags who constantly brag on Facebook, this chapter's for you
  • But all you did on your birthday was slide out my hooha
  • You Want to Watch My Child? BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh Wait, You're Serious
  • A letter to my kids' teachers
  • Halle-F'ing-lujah, both kids are finally in school
  • "What NOT to F'ing do when you're taking care of your grandkids
  • The really serious chapter about something that sucks big-time
  • And for Dinner I Gave My Kids an Eating Disorder
  • Every. F'ing. Night.
  • How to properly ruin a friend's BBQ
  • Dear parents who don't think it's fair to ban nuts from school
  • Once upon a time there was a green bean
  • Conversations I've had with my picky eaters
  • Allllllllll the things my kids won't eat, even if they are literally starving to death
  • Here an Orifice, There an Orifice, Everywhere an Orifice Orifice
  • One SINGLE trip to the bathroom with my kid
  • Introducing the newest Olympic event... Synchronized Pooping!!!
  • Well, that was fun. Not
  • Shake it off, shake it off (and if that doesn't work, get a sponge)
  • I Tried the Crying it Out Method ... I'm Still Crying
  • Bedtime is for succccckers
  • How NOT to keep your kiddo awake in the car
  • I lovvvvvve sleepovers ... when they're at somebody else's house
  • Reasons my kid wakes me up and what I say back, sometimes out loud and sometimes in my head
  • How the F to Entertain Your Rug Rats When You Have Nothing to Do
  • Dear Sesame Street, I LOVVVVVVE you
  • It's up to you: die of boredom or die of Ebola
  • Peeew peeew peeewww and other sounds that make me want to chop my ears off
  • All in favor of feeding rat poison to Chuck E. Cheese, say aye!!
  • Gag me with a 5-Minute Spider-Man Story
  • MY Hubby is Awesome (But Not as Awesome as Me)
  • What you should REALLY F'ing look for in a husband
  • Men are from Mars, where apparently they don't make PB&Js
  • A bunch of shit my hubby does better than me
  • Et ee um a-er owls
  • When I stopped liking sex (Grandma, please don't read this chapter)
  • You didn't think I'd just write a chapter about all the shit he does right, did you?
  • Teach Your Douchenugget to be Less Douchey and More Nuggety
  • Make sure people don't like you for your bagina
  • I'd totally kick your ass if my toenails weren't still drying
  • Boy, was I wrong
  • Thinking outside the penalty box
  • One of the worst feelings in the world
  • One fish, two fish, red fish, gross fish
  • AWWW Shit, WHATTA You Mean They Grow Up??
  • If you have a vajayjay and she has a vajayjay, you're on the same team
  • Dear lady I just saw breastfeeding at a restaurant
  • Twelve things I will always miss about being preggers
  • Just a little sumpin' sumpin' I had Zoey sign before she could read
  • The last chapter
  • Acknowledgments
Review by Booklist Review

Alpert, author of the popular parenting blog Baby Sideburns and the best-selling book I Heart My Little A-Holes (2014), captures the laugh-out-loud grit of motherhood in her latest title. These stories of parenting, though often crude and laced with R-rated language, will be popular with moms who think the things she writes but never have the courage to admit it. Although she uses the word mediocre in the title, those who read between the f-bombs may discover a funny, thoughtful, well-above-mediocre parent and author. Alpert's ability to weave poignant moments into the midst of poop-filled humor makes this worth the read. Readers who may prefer an author who provides the laughs and the parenting reality without the excessive swearing will want to check out other blogger-author moms, such as Jill Smokler's Scary Mommy blog or Glennon Doyle Melton's Carry On, Warrior (2013).--McIntosh, Joyce Copyright 2016 Booklist

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

New York Times-bestselling author Alpert (I Love My Little A-holes; the Baby Sideburns parenting blog) continues her comic routine on the indignities of motherhood with this witty collection of anecdotes and reflections on parenting. This hilarious memoir of "mediocre" parenting in the 21st century covers everything from bribing kids with screen time to attempting crafts seen on Pinterest. Alpert affectionately refers to her two children, Zoey and Holden, as "douchenuggets." She upends helicopter parenting in favor of a more realistic "half-assed" multitasking. Acknowledging the less glamorous side of parenting, she comically writes about the trials of potty training and planning birthday parties for six-year-olds at a "bounce house." With titles like "And for Dinner I Gave My Kids an Eating Disorder," and "Bedtime Is for Succcckers" she delightfully chronicles life as a "kickass mediocre parent." She also composes lists on such topics as "Shit I do that I know I shouldn't do," such as letting the TV babysit, and "10 things I'm gonna say from now on when someone tries to tell me how to parent MY child." Alpert is honest, humbling, and crass in this irreverent account on parenting. She doesn't miss a beat, and mothers will find this playful book reassuring and endlessly funny, knowing they're not the only ones who struggle to get their kids to wipe after going to the bathroom. (May) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

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