Sex after-- Women share how intimacy changes as life changes

Review by New York Times Review

IS THE SEXUAL SELF an essential thing - immutable? Or can the complex matrix of desire change? These questions are fundamental to ideas of behavior and morality. I find myself with a foot in both worlds, willing to argue either point of view. The theme of "Sex After ..." - how women's sexual lives shift over time - is a significant one, rich with possibility. The result, however, is underwhelming: a series of short, episodic chapters based on interviews with 150 women, each chapter focused on a transitional event - sex after baby, sex after divorce, sex after menopause, and so on. Iris Krasnow, whose website calls her an "author, professor, speaker, mother, wife," has written several pop-culture books before this one, including "The Secret Lives of Wives" and "Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own Soul Mate." Several of the interviews in "Sex After" were initiated by the readers of her previous books, or began as spontaneous conversations with strangers on cross-country flights or in nightclubs; this is not a book of rigorously researched psychology. "Sex After" also has very little sex in it; the author warns us of explicit details to come and then resorts to words like "heathens" and "yowzer." The subtitle is more accurate; this is in fact a book about love and marriage. The author tries to suggest otherwise when she tells us in the introduction, "This is not an old lady's book," and includes a long chapter on young people and the culture of hooking up. But "Sex After" is largely about older women, and the subjects appear to be almost entirely white. Krasnow rarely mentions race directly except in the few instances when the person in question is African-American; otherwise we are left to guess a subject's ethnicity from such clues as blond hair or blue eyes. Most of her subjects are also heterosexual. One chapter, inaccurately called "Sex After Coming Out," is devoted to women who entered same-sex relationships after a heterosexual marriage, but few identify as lesbians. The subjects in other chapters are uniformly in relationships with men, most of them long-term marriages. With this solid if workmanlike structure, the chapters are stamped from a template: a general introduction followed by several loosely edited transcripts of interviews, followed by the author's summary thoughts, at times including hazy medical advice like the need to be careful when considering a hysterectomy "because something really bad could happen." The interviews themselves tend to blur together: young love followed by disappointment, adaptation, loss and renewal. The author tells her readers emphatically that love and intimacy are what matter in sex: "Romantic infatuation is not biologically sustainable." "Sexual attraction gets the relationship started, but the ability to stoke that flame over time into a deeper intimacy is the real ticket to marital survival." But she is also a cheerleader for an active sex life and has a strong bias against romance without it, assuming sexless relationships are merely accommodations. Before the single interview with a woman who describes a happy marriage that is no longer sexual, the author writes that her subject has "a peaceful acceptance about her life without sex that reminds me of my friends who have turned into spiritual beings after Alcoholics Anonymous drained their booze" - a weird thing to say both about not missing sex and about A.A. Krasnow wants to have it both ways at once: lusty sexual agency and lasting monogamous love in the same package, and she can't always sort out the reality this requires. She believes that a good marriage needs sex and that sex is best in what amounts to marriage. She also believes women who have affairs "are claiming their own sexuality with the same unflinching machismo that has been stereotypically characteristic of males since Genesis." She never satisfactorily addresses the conundrum supposedly at the heart of the book - how claiming one's sexuality fits in with finding intimacy in the first place. TRANSITIONS ARE OFTEN abrupt and sometimes confusing, and the prose does not sing: "Her terse note tantalized me to learn more." One interview subject is "super-savvy," another is a "very feminine woman," and one is actually a "Hot Mama in leggings." At one point, in a typically confident overgeneralization, she writes, "Women seem to always have a hankering for men who are not afraid to get their hands dirty, who can fix things, and make things and are craggy. We are suckers for those sweaty alpha males who use tool belts and circular saws and claw hammers." Introducing the elderly women in a later chapter, she puts the reader on alert to what lies ahead: "You may remember your own granny as someone who was knitting in her rocker; on the pages to come you will be introduced to rocking grandmothers who attend Tantric sex workshops and are as lusty as teenagers.... They are the hippies turned yuppies turned graying fitness addicts who are watching Mick Jagger still writhing at 70 and who believe that anything is possible in the final lap." Early in the book, Krasnow states, "I am confident there is no such thing as normal." This declaration of a broad view of female sexuality is never realized. Throughout "Sex After," I was disappointed by the author's painfully middlebrow discussion of a small segment of women. I wish she had tried to represent the true variety of female sexuality. What a different book this would be if we could hear from women of various races and cultures, women who were actively bisexual, who had fetishes, who were consciously celibate, who were consciously single. There are plenty of women finding intimacy in lives quite different from those described here. The author has opportunities even on the limited canvas she chose. In the chapter on women who are in same-sex relationships after being married to men, she conflates missing the "pleasures of a penis" with "harboring 'fantasies' about having sex with males," missing the textured gestalt of gender that is part of many people's sexual fantasies and not necessarily part of their sex lives. Throughout, she misses the truly mysterious contours of the sexual self in which lines are continuously drawn, blurred, erased and drawn again. SALLIE TISDALE is the author of "Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex," which has just been released in a 20th-anniversary edition.

Copyright (c) The New York Times Company [February 9, 2014]

---

Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

Krasnow (The Secret Lives of Wives) shares the experiences of women-and a few men-to demonstrate how sexual experiences change over the years. The author is a knowledgeable guide who shows great respect to the variety of life circumstances and aims to put readers at ease. Four sections work through the different stages in a person's sexual life. Starting with a discussion about casual sex and "friends with benefits," 20-somethings describe the feelings of empowerment that come with developing and following their own rules. Women talk about the joys and difficulties of life after childbirth, from feelings of deep connection to suffering feelings of post-partum depression and ugliness. Included is a section on sex after infidelity-from the perspectives of both those who have cheated and those who have been cheated on-as well as a discussion of sex after disease and injury. The final section covers sex for older individuals. Because Krasnow includes a vast number of people at different stages of their lives, there is something relatable for everyone and many opportunities to gain new knowledge as one moves through life. (Feb.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

---

Review by Library Journal Review

In her latest personal growth volume, journalist Krasnow (Huffington Post) continues the story-sharing tradition she perfected in her popular The Secret Lives of Wives. Here, she invites women to give voice to the sexual challenges they have faced during and after such common life passages as pregnancy and childbirth, breast cancer diagnoses, infidelity and divorce, widowhood, and menopause. Individual narratives are interspersed with anecdotes and observations from the author and commentary from such experts as medical professionals and therapists. Like any collection of personal perspectives, some will resonate with individual readers and some will not. To her credit, Krasnow presents a chapter titled "Sex After Coming Out" with compassion and no moral judgment. Although the author certainly doesn't declare her book to be a comprehensive guide, women going through menopause, especially, would probably be better served by a strategy-oriented work such as Christiane Northrup's The Wisdom of Menopause, which includes information on sexual issues. VERDICT Although not every reader will find each circumstance relatable, the emotions expressed and some of the resolutions shared here are compelling. Recommended primarily for women seeking inspiration for sexual restoration. [See Prepub Alert, 8/12/13.]-Linda Petty, -Wimberley, TX (c) Copyright 2014. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

---

Review by Kirkus Book Review

Journalist Krasnow (The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married, 2011, etc.) shares the skinny on women's sex lives. The author chronicles her interviews with more than 150 subjects, mostly women, in an effort to explore the role of sex in their lives today. They range in age from 30-somethings adults to women nearing 90. These days, with marriage and raising a family often postponed until the 30s, the romance of dating is becoming obsolete. Single 20-somethings are increasingly embracing the casual hookup culture found on college campuses. The romantic intimacies of marriage yield to the stress of the early stages of parenting, frequently exacerbated by postpartum depression and exhaustion. Some of the author's interviewees report being gratified by the new sexual norms, which allow them to initiate sexual encounters even though these are not always satisfying. However, Dr. Justin Garcia, an assistant professor of Gender Studies at Indiana University, warns that hookups frequently involve alcohol and drugs and can leave women vulnerable to assault. Krasnow discusses how to deal with other strains on intimacy, including later-life problems such as divorce or death, the search for a new partner, or a man who is addicted to sex with the assistance of Viagra. "There is no gold standard sexual relationship to which women must aspire toward," writes the author. "[W]ho we love and how we love is ultimately the definition of our humanity." Still, the author devotes much of the book to the joys of uninhibited, exploratory sex with or without romantic frills. The erotic overtones in the interviews and the author's own commentary are intended to encourage anything-goes sexual exploration--accepting the inevitable failures and treasuring the carnal highs. A nuanced, revelatory account of the role of sexual freedom in modern intimacy.]] Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

---

Prologue I am walking through the maples, birches, buckeyes, and oaks on the campus of Kendal at Oberlin, a retirement living community forty minutes from downtown Cleveland. These verdant grounds are home to 320 residents ranging from ages sixty-four to one-hundred-two-year-old Esther, who credits wine and Coca-Cola as fuel that helps keep her going. My tour guide is Maggie Stark, the pretty and perky admissions and marketing director of Kendal who reminds me of Julie, the cruise director on the TV show Love Boat . As Maggie ushers me through the facility, excitedly pointing out the ponds and cottages, the tennis courts and walking trails, I am tossed back in time to when I was being shown a summer camp to determine if the place was suitable for my kids. Forget the children-Camp Kendal is where I would like to sign up to spend my final years. The place crackles with brain power (Kendal residents audit courses at neighboring Oberlin College for free), physical prowess (there are lots of hearty hikers, and a Kendal octogenarian was on the volleyball team that won the silver medal in the 2013 National Senior Games), social clubs, and blooming romances that have led to marriages. In one large hall, a cluster of white-haired men and women are hanging iridescent tropical fish decorations to prep for this evening's Spring Fling: A Night at the Beach. The creative, slightly flirty energy between them is reminiscent of a high school prom committee. Three women who appear to be in their mid-seventies are practicing a tap-dancing routine they will perform at the festivities. Their arms are swaying and they are clicking away to the Beach Boys singing, "Dom dom dom dom dom, dom be dooby, dom dom dom dom dom," the chorus of the song "Come Go with Me." We stroll by the indoor lap pool where a female swimmer in a bathing cap made of layers of rubber petals is humming to herself and doing the backstroke. Outside, a tall and tanned man in a Western shirt with pearl snaps is digging and planting spring flowers. Maggie tells me that Bill has taken on the task of tending the courtyard garden of peonies, tulips, grape hyacinths, and irises. He is eighty-eight, has biceps and a twinkle in his eyes. The Kendal crowd is in the genre of hip older folks you will encounter in this book who are busting any residual stereotypes that advanced age means creaky, crotchety, lonely, and dried up. I am fifty-eight and awed by their vibrancy-and sex appeal-and hope to grow up to be equally feisty, and alive. They have taught me in countless ways how to push through illness and loss, and surmount relationship hurdles. I am eager to spill the fruits of my research, as my head is crammed, spinning, with stories on how to sustain intimacy no matter what comes our way. During the past two years spent compiling Sex After . . . I have often felt like the commander of Operation Sex Central. Each day, I have been (happily) assaulted with a titillating stream of information from friends and fellow journalists, on new studies, new drugs, new toys, and new discoveries in the field of human sexuality and aging. It seems that everyone in my close friend and professional circles had a stake in this project, because as we all know, most people are deeply interested in sex, if not obsessed. These leads and my digging helped me excavate everything I ever wanted to know about the interplay of sex and intimacy-as well as stuff I never wanted to know but was surprised, often staggered, to find out. (My most astounding find: a doctor at Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine attempting to grow human penises for reattachment, from the cells of soldiers with genital wounds. He has already successfully regenerated rabbit penises that, when reattached, functioned and produced babies.) My interviews with 150 women of all ages caused me lots of sleepless nights as I was overstimulated by visions of great sex, bad sex, and how relationships shift throughout the female life cycle. The combination of curiosity and insomnia have driven the composition of this book, which explains in unabashed detail the answers to questions such as these: * How dangerous is my twenty-year-old's hooking-up culture? * Why do I love my new baby and loathe my new husband? * We have sex at most once a month: How often is normal for a married couple to do it? * Will I ever want to sleep with anyone again after my painful divorce? * What can I do about painful menopausal sex? * How will I resume our sex life after breast or prostate cancer, or the amputation of a limb? * What can I expect from sex when I am in my seventies and eighties? * What the hell is a penis pump anyway? If you picked up Sex After . . . , you are intrigued as I am by sexual behavior, our most pleasurable and most perplexing primal need. Given the book's subtitle, Women Share How Intimacy Changes as Life Changes, you are also likely interested in understanding how we can fan that flame for the rest of our lives. Along with my sassy seniors, there are plenty of tips herein from younger females who are revelatory and proud of their sexcapades in an era when it is no longer solely a man's role to initiate a pickup. Perhaps the most memorable takeaways come from the mouths of audacious, bodacious babes three times their age, especially the wives who lost husbands of fifty-plus years-the only men they ever slept with-and are now as blathery as teenagers about their new "boyfriends." My grandmother died at eighty-eight, outliving my grandfather by more than four decades. She did not date, and I never saw her clothed in anything but prim silk dresses, usually paired with white gloves. Many of the widows who sat down with me were wearing neon sweats and are on Match. com. Hope sprung in all of us youngsters who have yet to turn sixty, watching Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in their delicious 2012 movie Hope Springs . After thirty years of a marriage that has turned tepid and sexless, they sign up for a couples retreat with a shrink, played realistically by Steve Carell. He gives them a set of sexercises, which gets them back into the bedroom, where they become sweaty and elated and more in love than ever. That Meryl Streep still reigns as one of Hollywood's biggest draws is emblematic of this new age when women can flex, and own, their sexuality long past svelte midlife. Many of the people I spoke to in their twenties and thirties, and even some in their forties, were still floundering about love and intimacy. The older dames know precisely who they are, and what they want from their partners. And they are proof that prolonged intimacy has more to do with the mind than the body and is way more fulfilling than fleeting sexual highs. My most meaningful reward as a writer of relationship books is that I can pass on their sage reflections, wisdom that can sharpen and redirect our own journeys. There is so much mystery surrounding sex, and that inexplicable magic is central to its sweet allure. I have left the ephemeral quality of sexuality intact but have added hard facts and statistics and true stories of sickness, struggles, and victories. My wish for all of my readers is that this book dissipates any scary mythology about what a woman could encounter as time goes by. And may that truth release you into becoming your authentic and fullest sexual self, after the honeymoon, after cancer, after boredom, after divorce, after wrinkles-until death do you part. Although there are lots of senior citizens carrying on in Sex After . . . , I promise those of you who have yet to turn thirty thatthis is not an old lady's book. Rather, it is a valuable guide to howto pick the right partners and break off unhealthy ties. My research assistant, Nicole Glass, twenty-four, says she feels fully armed to face "any relationship" after days and months and years of helping me extract every morsel of news on how age and life changes affect intimacy. "This project has prepared me for the weird and the wild stages of human relationships that can quickly sneak up on those of us in our twenties who tend not to focus on the future," says Nicole. "It was great to find out the news that seniors are often more passionate, and having more fun, than newlyweds!" Some interview subjects have requested that their names and identifying details be changed. Those women are referred to by a first name only, a pseudonym. When first and last names are used, those are real names of persons who agreed to be identified on the record. If there is a story in this book that resembles your story, but I did not speak to you, it is not you. The only people whose experiences are printed in first-person narrative portions are people I interviewed. Reprinted by arrangement with GOTHAM BOOKS, a member of Penguin Group (USA) LLC, A Penguin Random House Company. Copyright © IRIS KRASNOW, 2014. Excerpted from Sex After...: Women Share How Intimacy Changes As Life Changes by Iris Krasnow All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

---