Dad is fat

Clean-mouthed comedian Gaffigan-best known for his riffs on Hot Pockets, McDonald's, and bacon-lived by himself for more than 13 years before getting married and fathering five children who now reside with him and his wife, Jeannie, in a two-bedroom New York City apartment. What began as a series of tweets about the everyday chaos of this self-professed loner's life has now become Gaffigan's hilarious first book. In 60 short chapters that read like stand-up bits, the comedian shares his insights on being the youngest of six kids in a Catholic family and explains why adults are really just "giant toddlers." He covers everything actual toddlers love, from candy to cousins, mocks preschool and nut allergies in three swift paragraphs, and explains why he and Jeannie opted for five home births as well as how they are raising so many kids in a such a tiny living space. Occasionally, Gaffigan feels the need to explain his jokes, but he needn't worry, as this laugh-out-loud collection also is one of the most honest and endearing portrayals of fatherhood penned by a contemporary comedian. The inclusion of dozens of photographs featuring Gaffigan's adorable family furthers the personal touch. 50 b&w photos. (May) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

Letter to My Children Dear Children, I am your dad. The father of all five of you pale creatures. Given how attractive and fertile your mother is, there may be more of you by the time you read this book. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I would assume this because I can honestly foresee no other situation where you'd be interested in anything I've done. Right now, you are actually more interested in preventing me from doing things like working, sleeping, and smiling. I'm kidding, of course. Kind of. I love you with all of my heart, but you are probably the reason I'm dead. All right, you didn't kill me. Your mother did. She kept getting pregnant! I don't know how. Don't think about it. It will give you the willies. At one point, I was afraid she got pregnant while she was pregnant. She was so fertile I didn't even let her hold avocados. Anyway, this is a book all about what I observed being your dad when you were very young and I had some hair back in good old 2013. So why a book? Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things. By the way, I'm sorry I yelled so much and did that loud clapping thing with my hands. I hated when my dad would do the loud clapping thing with his hands, so every time I do the loud clapping thing, it pains me in many ways. Most of the pain is because that loud clapping thing actually hurts my hands. You may be wondering how I wrote this book. From a very early age, you all instinctively knew I wasn't that bright of a guy. Probably from all the times you had to correct me when I couldn't read all the words in The Cat in the Hat. Hell, I find writing e‑mails a chore. (Thank you, spell-check!) I wrote this book with the help of many people, but mostly your mother. Your mother is not only the only woman I've ever loved, but also the funniest person I know. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard. Love, Dad P.S. How did you get that hula hoop into that restaurant Easter 2011? Excerpted from Dad Is Fat by Jim Gaffigan All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.