Conscious divorce Ending a marriage with integrity: a practical and spiritual guide for moving on

Divorce manuals usually focus on self-protection when it comes to either finances or emotional trauma, and end abruptly at the final legal decree. Allison, who remarried after leaving her first husband five years ago, after almost 30 years of marriage and motherhood, takes a different approach in her first book. A hypnotherapist, reiki master, ordained minister and workshop facilitator, Allison offers a unique blend of important practical information for every stage of marital breakup, support for long-term emotional upheaval, advice for dealing with lawyers, mediators, friends and family and the view that "marital bonds are never completely severed" (the relationship simply changes). Recognizing the long process as "not just the tremendous loss of another person; it is the loss of the dream you have believed since childhood," she details the possibility of proceeding with respect, compassion and love for everyone involved, including yourself, from the first inkling of a separation to the mixed memories that resurface even years later. Influenced by A Course in Miracles, 12-step programs, transcendental meditation and various religious principles, Allison supplies writing exercises and affirmations, allays fears with solid information and counsels anyone contemplating, undergoing or reflecting on divorce to forgive yourself and others and move forward with a loving, lighter heart. While her lament of "society's critical view of divorce" may seem dated, her positivist approach including "positive terminology and concepts that show continued health rather than demise" is fresh, offering a welcome antidote to perceptions of adversarial lawyers and hateful ex-spouses. Agents, Anne Edelstein and Laura Williams, Edelstein Literary Agency. (June 12) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

Allison has come up with a new perspective on divorce that differs from Karen Karbo's breezy Generation Ex: Tales from the Second Wives Club (LJ 3/1/01) and Wendy Swallow's somber Breaking Apart: Dreaming of Divorce (LJ 4/1/01). As one might expect from a divorced Californian process hypnotherapist and reiki master, Allison focuses heavily on ritual and affirmation as techniques to help reduce anxiety and anger while breaking the knot. For example, she recommends a "Ceremony of Blessing and Release," wherein the newly divorced couple come together in front of friends, family, and a minister or other officiant and thank each other for the marriage as it was. She also includes many written exercises to aid the reader's intuitive understanding of his or her situation come to the fore. Not everything in this book is laden with New Age dogma, however. Allison also includes discussions of the financial and legal implications of divorce and gives a rundown of the monetary and personal reasons to opt for a joint mediator over separate attorneys. Although some of her approaches may seem hokey, there's no doubt that the exercises will help many readers sort out their feelings. For all public libraries. (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

Careful Choice A white crescent moon pales to silver as the sun rises- whispers: "Listen to your heart's voice." -- Genesis Making the decision whether or not to leave a relationship may be the most daunting part of the divorcing process; at least it is the one filled with the most anxiety. This is partly because divorce is a choice made of our own free will, and we sense the enormity of this responsibility. Also, confusion and indecision are uncomfortable for most of us. We want this initial stage to be over, so we can move on. At the same time, we realize that our choice will affect our partners, our families, and our friends; it will be a decision we must live with all our lives. We want to choose carefully. This chapter and book are for those of you contemplating a separation and divorce. If you feel you are not the one choosing to end your marriage but your partner is, this section and text can still be of great value. It can offer an explanation of the stages and process of divorce, an understanding of your feelings, and a possible course of action. The exercises can help any of you questioning whether or not to stay in a relationship, no matter who initiated the process. Making the initial decision can be challenging, and the purpose of this chapter is to make your process easier and less stressful. One of my workshop participants, Marion, whose husband initiated their divorce, comments, "At first, I didn't want the divorce, mostly because of the children, and my fear of being on my own. But with therapy, I realized I hadn't been happy for years. Deep down I knew I needed to leave, but I just couldn't do it myself." And so, when contemplating a divorce, intuition and intellect can help us make a decision. If we feel unsure about our choice, we need to trust that the answer is already inside us. All we have to do is listen to our intuition, think about our choices and their consequences, and decide the next course of action. Early Inklings The choice to stay or leave begins in "the gut." Eileen, a former client, points to her stomach when she says, "I knew something was wrong months and even years before I left each of my relationships; I felt it in my gut. I didn't always take action as soon as I should have, but my body knew." I, too, felt the misgivings about my marriage in my body. These first warnings came on my wedding day, but I didn't heed them. Standing in the shower, the ceremony an hour away, my heart pounded and my head hurt. My body knew I felt unsure, but it was too terrifying to bring to consciousness. He was my dear friend, and I respected and trusted him. Our guests waited at the church; a white satin dress and gossamer veil hung in the closet, and bridesmaids laughed in the next room. But I ignored my inner voice that knew I was uncertain, and, instead, I married for security and companionship. My body knew the truth but swallowed its secret for more than twenty years. When my husband was away for three months and I had the space and silence to breathe, I finally allowed this realization to surface. I wrote in my journal, "I'm glad he's away. I'm free to eat and sleep when I want, to write all night, to completely be myself for the first time." In trying to be the perfect wife, I adapted so thoroughly to my husband that I lost my own artistic nature. Guiltily, I dreaded his homecoming and going back to a false life, but this time I couldn't return. Like Pandora, I had removed the lid, releasing the honest feelings inside my body. Finally, after two decades, my real self was out, and not only did she not fit in the box, she was unwilling to go back. During this period of discovery, I attended personal-growth workshops and spent time alone thinking about my life and writing in my journal. These experiences helped fine-tune my intuition, which had been dormant sinc Excerpted from Conscious Divorce: Ending a Marriage with Integrity by Susan Allison All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.