The folded clock A diary

Heidi Julavits

eAudio - 2015

Like many young people, Heidi Julavits kept a diary. Decades later she found her old diaries in a storage bin, and hoped to discover the early evidence of the person (and writer) she'd since become. Instead, 'The actual diaries revealed me to possess the mind of a paranoid tax auditor.' The entries are daily chronicles of anxieties about grades, looks, boys, and popularity. After reading the confessions of her past self, writes Julavits, 'I want to good-naturedly laugh at this person. I want to but I can't. What she wanted then is scarcely different from what I want today.' Thus was born a desire to try again, to chronicle her daily life as a forty-something woman, wife, mother, and writer. The dazzling result ...is The Folded Clock, in which the diary form becomes a meditation on time and self.

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Published
[United States] : Dreamscape Media, LLC 2015.
Language
English
Corporate Author
hoopla digital
Main Author
Heidi Julavits (author)
Corporate Author
hoopla digital (-)
Other Authors
Tavia Gilbert (narrator)
Edition
Unabridged
Online Access
Instantly available on hoopla.
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Physical Description
1 online resource (1 audio file (9hr., 25 min.)) : digital
Format
Mode of access: World Wide Web.
ISBN
9781633798229
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AVAILABLE FOR USE ONLY BY IOWA CITY AND RESIDENTS OF THE CONTRACTING GOVERNMENTS OF JOHNSON COUNTY, UNIVERSITY HEIGHTS, HILLS, AND LONE TREE (IA).
Contents unavailable.
Review by New York Times Review

THE SELF, a friend once informed me, is an illusion. We were 19 at the time, and he was reading Foucault, but that was 18 years ago, and now he doesn't think he understood Foucault back then. "It's real," my friend says of the self, "but it's made." Whether or not the self is real or an illusion, made or found, we do know that the self we encounter in a book, even if that book is a diary is a made thing. And not every keeper of a diary is capable of creating a self on the page. Many diaries are, in fact, remarkably devoid of any evidence of self I'm thinking, for instance, of the diary of a frontier woman I found in an Iowa archive. Some climate scientists had shown interest in this diary, the archivist told me, because its descriptions of the weather were so thorough. I didn't read that diary, as I already knew, from all my encounters with amateur writing (including my own childhood diary), what it's like to go looking for a self and find only weather. Heidi Julavits once said that keeping a diary when she was young is what made her a writer. Julavits, the author of four novels, revisits that story in the opening pages of her latest work, "The Folded Clock." She tells of returning to her childhood diaries after making that claim, looking for evidence of the writer she would become. "The actual diaries, however, fail to corroborate the myth I'd concocted for myself," she admits. "They reveal me to possess the mind, not of a future writer, but of a future paranoid tax auditor. I exhibited no imagination, no trace of a style, no wit, no personality." With "The Folded Clock," she corrects the record. Keeping a diary may not have made her a writer; but becoming a writer has made it possible for her to produce, now, an exquisite diary. This diary is a diary in the way that Thomas De Quincey's "Confessions of an English Opium Eater" is a confession, or that Daniel Defoe's "A Journal of the Plague Year" is a journal, or that Sei Shonagon's "Pillow Book" is a pillow book. Meaning it is, and it isn't. "The Folded Clock" refuses one of the primary conventions of the diary: chronology. The entry for July 16 is followed by Oct. 18, which is followed by June 18. Time moves loosely forward, so that the final entries occur a year or two after the initial entries, but time loops and circles forward. Like Julavits's childhood diaries, every entry in "The Folded Clock" begins, "Today I. ..." As in, "Today I was stung by a wasp," and "Today I heard an ambulance siren," and "Today I tried again to read the Goncourts," and "Today I found a Rolodex in a trash can at J.F.K.," and "Today I thought I might educate my husband about birth control pills," and "Today I heard a terrible noise," and "Today I examined the Rolodex I found at J.F.K." After that first sentence, each today pitches recklessly and headily into the essay it will become, a meditation on desire perhaps, or ghosts, or time. Today does not remain today, but ranges into the past and future, following an associative course guided by an unpredictable mind. The result is that each day feels very full, although little happens. And this fullness becomes a reminder of how a life can be improved by the passing of time. "The Folded Clock" is, among other things, an ode to maturity, or whatever you want to call that effect of time that enables you to understand Foucault now as you did not when you were 19. My Foucault-friend, who is now an anthropologist, observes that in the West we tend to think of made things as being false. We like to imagine that facts are found, not made. And if the story of a life is true, then we have trouble accepting that it might also be crafted. But plots don't just happen to us, we invent them for ourselves. "When writing novels I cannot seem to escape the trap of a plot," Julavits remarks. She finds her escape in "The Folded Clock." It is happily plotless, though it is not without narrative, and certainly not shapeless. The book is structured around reoccurrences of objects, ideas, of signs and symbols that gather meaning each time they return. The intricate structure calls to mind fractal patterns or Renaissance sketches of eddying water, and the real achievement here may be that Julavits manages to make it appear unintentional. The order does not feel made, but found. Wearing, as it does, the guise of a diary, "The Folded Clock" is particularly dependent on the well-crafted persona of its narrator - witty, sly, critical, inventive and adventurous. This is someone who finds an old tap handle so impossibly beautiful, she carries it around in her purse. Who retrieves Rolodexes from trash cans. Who remarks, in a meditation on loss, "Because I lost a necklace in a river I learned that the state of Vermont has a scuba diving club." This is not just a likable self, this is a self who likes herself. Considering that we are, as Americans, rather messed up around the whole concept of self, and that our culture tends to encourage self-loathing, particularly in women, I feel compelled to clarify that there is nothing wrong with a narrator who likes herself. On the contrary. I had the sense, reading "The Folded Clock," that a permission was being granted for which I was grateful. I was reminded, in an elliptical way, of the moment in James Baldwin's "Notes of a Native Son" when he writes, "I acted in New Jersey as I had always acted, that is as though I thought a great deal of myself - I had to act that way - with results that were, simply, unbelievable." Baldwin was performing radical self-regard, and he was punished for it. The situation may be considerably less fraught for Julavits, but I don't admire her self-regard any less. "The whole problem is to establish communication with one's self," Julavits writes, quoting E.B. White. She mentions White almost as frequently as she mentions "The Bachelorette" and slightly more frequently than the tap handle in her purse. Her prose, like White's, is especially liquid, and her sentences are unimpeachable. Julavits is not only a novelist, of course, but also an accomplished essayist. One of the hazards of reading "The Folded Clock" may be its potential to inspire envy. It portrays a rich life. There are summers in Maine and travel to Italy, Germany and Switzerland. There are long swims in the Atlantic. There is a husband who implores, "Please, let's not fight about Hitler." Fortunately, I was spared the discomfort of envying Julavits by, over the course of reading "The Folded Clock," becoming her. "She lost herself to me," Julavits writes of her younger self. And so did I, with great pleasure. Losing one's self is, after all, one of the rewards of reading. The opportunity to inhabit another self, to experience another consciousness, is perhaps the most profound trespass a work of literature can allow. "The Folded Clock" offers all the thrill of that trespass, in a work so artful that it appears to be without artifice. This diary is a record of the interior weather of an adept thinker. In it, the mundane is rendered extraordinary through the alchemy of effortless prose. It is a work in which a self is both lost and found, but above all made. Julavits mentions E.B. White almost as frequently as she mentions 'The Bachelorette.' EULA BISS is the author, most recently, of "On Immunity: An Inoculation."

Copyright (c) The New York Times Company [March 29, 2015]
Review by Booklist Review

Editor (Women in Clothes, 2014) and novelist (The Vanishers, 2012) Julavits' nifty new memoir, wherein every entry begins with Today I . . . , offers proof positive, as if it were needed, that she is, indeed, a dyed-in-the-wool writer. Quite literally. Because after spilling a drop of ink on her sweater, I stuck the sweater in my mouth. I sucked the ink like it was blood. Yet she protests that the jejune entries in her childhood diaries are evidence that she was not always the writer she once fancied herself. Still, every writer has to begin with what they know, and Julavits knows not only of writing, but also of hot-water tap handles, fatalities due to shark attacks, certain unnamed nineteenth-century French sibling authors, and many, many other things. She shares her fascinations in easy, non-sequential, what-I-did-today essays that cover the amusing and comical toy stethoscopes and how to pee, or not, into an airsick bag as well as the philosophical, including the nature of gift giving. Julavits is thoughtful, imaginative, funny, and always entertaining.--Chavez, Donna Copyright 2015 Booklist

From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.
Review by Publisher's Weekly Review

When Julavits, a novelist (The Vanishers) and founding editor of the Believer magazine, rediscovered the diary she kept as a young girl, she was disappointed by its lack of imagination, style, and wit. So, in her 40s, she set out to chronicle the next two years of her life, complete with all the idiosyncrasies missing from her youthful writings. Displaying both charm and stark honesty, Julavits admits to having an abortion when she was 19, explores the dissolution of her first marriage, and laments the worst sex of her life. Receiving a wasp sting reminds her of the time she was in the window seat on a red-eye flight next to two sleeping passengers. Instead of disturbing them to use the lavatory, she attempted to relieve herself in an airsickness bag. And hearing an ambulance siren or conducting a fruitless Internet search unleashes her neurotic imagination. Each entry begins "Today I," just as she began her diary as a girl. The entries aren't ordered, and many depict Julavits as a not-always-likable woman of privilege. The diary angle makes for a clever hook, but masks what this really is-a compelling collection of intimate, untitled personal essays that reveal one woman's ever-evolving soul. Agent: Andrew Wylie, Wylie Agency. (Apr.) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.

(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Review by Library Journal Review

Starred Review. Aptly titled, this is a collection of diary entries, written over two years, that Julavits, novelist (The Vanishers) and founding editor of the Believer, has selected, revised, and rearranged out of their chronological order. The resulting structure is a seamless narrative describing her life as a woman, wife, mother, and writer. Lyrically written, each entry is a brief but boundless meditation on time, identity, and constructions of selfhood. Julavits is a natural and gifted essayist, and her work is filled with humor, paradox-"I understood that a minute extends far beneath the surface; that it is far deeper than it is wide"-and digressions that give way to brilliant insight. But perhaps most striking is her honesty, and her honest portrayal of herself, which she achieves skillfully, without succumbing to lurid detail or compromising her writer's persona. She remains, even while confessing episodes of deceitfulness or acts of arrogance, impossible not to like. VERDICT Compelling and truly creative, this is a book that the reader will want to return to again and again-in other words, a perfect book. [See Prepub Alert, 10/20/14.]-Meagan Lacy, Guttman Community Coll., CUNY (c) Copyright 2015. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Review by Kirkus Book Review

Reflections on being and becoming.Novelist, Guggenheim Fellow and co-founder of the Believer magazine, Julavits (Writing/Columbia Univ.; co-editor, The Vanishers, 2012, etc.), now in her mid-40s, noticed that the smallest unit of time she experiences is no longer a minute, a day, nor even a week, but years. That disquieting perception inspired this book: "Since I am suddenly ten years older than I was, it seems, one year ago, I decided to keep a diary." Time is much on her mind in gently philosophical entries that do not appear chronologically but instead are disrupted and reordered, recounting two years of her life in New York, where she and her husband teach; Maine, where she grew up yearning to leave and now spends joyful summers; and Germany, where the family lived during her husband's fellowship at the American Academy in Berlin. Admitting that she is a "sub-sub-subtextual" reader of the world, Julavits analyzes her marriage; the needs and growing independence of her young son and daughter; her visits to a psychic, with whom she discusses the mystical power of objects and synchronicity ("My life seems marked by a high degree of coincidence and recursion," Julavits confesses); former lovers; her aspirations as a writer; and such guilty pleasures as watching the reality series The Bachelorette, whose "love language" she and her husband gleefully parse. Other pastimes include shopping on eBay, which, she writes, "has immeasurably improved my quality of life more than doctors or drugs"; succumbing to temptation at yard sales; and swimming, despite her overwhelming fear of sharks. Some entries are slyly funny, gossipy and irreverent; others, quietly intimate, reveal recurring depression and anxiety, "alternate states of being" to which she gratefully returns: "When you become you again, you can actually greet yourself. You can welcome yourself back." An inventive, beautifully crafted memoir, wise and insightful. Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.

June 21 Today I wondered What is the worth of a day? Once, a day was long. It was bright and then it wasn't, meals hap­pened, and school happened, and sports practice, maybe, happened, and two days from this day there would be a test, or an English paper would be due, or there would be a party for which I'd been waiting, it would seem, for years. Days were ages. Love bloomed and died in a day. Rages flared and were forgotten and replaced by new rages, also forgotten. Within a day there were discernible hours, and clocks with hands that ticked out each new minute. I would think, Will this day never end? By nightfall, I'd feel like a war had been fought. I was wounded; sleep was not enough to heal me. Days would linger in my nerves, aftershocks registered on the electrical plain. Days made a physical impact. Days could hurt. Not anymore. The "day" no longer exists. The small­est unit of time I experience is the week. But in recent years the week, like the penny, has also become a uselessly small currency. The month is, more typically, the smallest unit of time I experience. But truthfully months are not so noticeable either. Months happen when things are, with increasing rapidity, due. Tuitions are due, and rent is due, and the health insurance is due. A month is marked, not by a sense that time has passed, but by a series of automated withdrawals. I look at my bank account, near zero, and realize, It must be March. Since I am suddenly ten years older than I was, it seems, one year ago, I decided to keep a diary. Like many people I kept a diary when I was young. Starting at age eight I wrote in this diary every day, and every day I began my entry with "Today I." Today I went to school. Today I went to Andrea's house. Today I played in the cemetery. Today I did nothing. Recently I cited this childhood diary-keeping as the reason I became a writer. I needed to explain to a room­ful of people, most of them over seventy years old, why. I could have answered the question in a variety of ways. But I try to anticipate the needs of my audience. I desire to give them an anecdote customized to resonate with their life situation. This desire guides my answers more strongly than truth. What did these people want or need to hear? If I were, like them, nearing the end of my life, I imagine I'd be impatient with equivocation and uncertainty. I imag­ine I would desire clear stories because soon I'd be in a grave where my life would be condensed to a name, a date, some commas, a category ("Wife"). So I told a clean story. A why story. I said that I became a writer because on one March day, when I was ten, dur­ing the interminable gray-scale finale of a typical Maine winter, my father took me to the mall because we'd long ago run out of ways to kill time before spring. At the mall, he bought a color TV. On certain practical and emotional levels, his expenditure made sense. Our old TV was black-and-white. We switched between the two and a half available channels by using a pair of pliers to rotate a metal stub, once connected to a dial (now lost). The original antenna (also lost) had been replaced by a clothes hanger. The whole contraption was so pathetic and downtrodden, who could blame a man for trying to bring literal color into the lives of his wife and children, emotionally slogging their way through another mud season? Unfortunately, my father did not have permission to buy a color TV. At an earlier point in time, he'd bought something else without permission, and before that some­thing else, and now he was deeply in permissions debt. He would never get permission to buy anything ever again. Every acquisition was unauthorized. This did not prevent him from buying the TV. My father also bought me, if I promised to write in it, a diary. I started the diary the next day. I wrote: Today I woke up and watched TV. I found and reread these diaries about ten years ago. Before I found and reread them, I was proud of what the fact of my rigorous diary keeping predicted about me. I'd been fated to be a writer! I had proof of my doggedness--many volumes of it. I imagined the diaries published at some future date, when my literary fame might bestow upon them an artistic and biographical value. I believed I was born to posthumous greatness. I often imagined myself more famous when dead than when alive. The actual diaries, however, fail to corroborate the myth I'd concocted for myself. They reveal me to possess the mind, not of a future writer, but of a future paranoid tax auditor. I exhibited no imagination, no trace of a style, no wit, no personality. Each entry is an accounting of (or an expressed anxiety about) my school performance. Today at school I got a 100 on my math test and I finished my science assignment. I am all set for my literature report but I'm really scared! Today I gave my report and I got an A. Today I didn't finish my worksheet and I am in trouble. Today I really flubbed up in my math test because we have to get 5 100s in a row and I had 2 100s but then today I got a 99! Later, when I turn ten, the tone starts to change. I stop worrying and start fretfully wishing. I want to have a thin lovely figure, very pretty and smart and Alec and I love each other, never sick, happy life, my family isn't killed, I am a great ATHLETE, popular, lots of friends, no pimples, a nicer nose. Virginia Woolf wrote, "I do not know how far I differ from other people." I tend to think, based on the above evidence, that I don't differ much. Admirable, I guess, is my absence of guile or pretense. I was clearly not prep­ping very well for my posthumous fame, as certain peo­ple I know prep and have been prepping practically since birth for theirs. Everything written by these people--even an online exchange with a computer repair technician--is treated as archival evidence to be scoured by future schol­ars. If the future scholars come to care at all about me, I wish them to know this: with certain variations (substitute my husband for Alec ), the desires of my ten-year-old self have more or less held steady for the past thirty-odd years. So I told the seventy-year-olds a story that stressed the continuity (the immortality!) of self. What I failed to men­tion, however, was my recent worry: As a writer, I have mistaken how to use words. I write too much. I write like some people talk to fill silence. When I write, I am trying through the movement of my fingers to reach my head. I'm trying to build a word ladder up to my brain. Eventually these words help me come to an idea, and then I rewrite and rewrite and rewrite what I'd already written (when I had no idea what I was writing about) until the path of thinking, in retrospect, feels immediate. What's on the page appears to have busted out of my head and traveled down my arms and through my fingers and my keyboard and coalesced on the screen. But it didn't happen like that; it never happens like that.   March 3 Today my friend asked me, "Am I crazy?" She is con­vinced that her husband is having an affair. We were in her apartment drinking beer. She seemed oddly energized by the prospect of this affair, as if we were gossiping about the maybe-infidelity of a person not married to her. Her husband, she said, had become friendly with the single woman who used to live in the neighboring apart­ment. The woman had since moved to San Francisco; however, she called her husband regularly to check on her mail. Was there a package for her in their lobby? According to my friend, her husband always left the room so he could speak to the woman in private. "I don't know," she said. "Am I crazy?" I considered the evidence. Was this all she had? I asked. If so, I was sorry to disappoint her--she really was so excited that her husband might be cheating on her--but I did not think her husband was having an affair. She was, perhaps, being a little crazy. At the worst, it sounded as though her husband had a crush on their former neighbor, and if he did, she should continue to rejoice. I'd recently heard of a study that concluded: the marriages that last are the ones in which the two members regularly develop (but do not act upon) extramarital infatuations. Here was proof of her marriage's durability. Her husband wanted to sleep with a woman who was not his wife. Then she told me more. A few weeks ago, her fam­ily had gone on vacation to Lake Tahoe. On the morn­ing of their departure, her husband claimed he needed to stay in New York to deal with a work emergency. She flew ahead with their son; he flew to San Francisco a day later and spent a night in the city before meeting his family at the lake. Less than a week into the vacation, he claimed he needed to return home earlier than expected (another work emergency). He drove to San Francisco, ostensibly to catch a plane. Ostensibly, he missed it. Again, he spent the night in the city. He'd told his wife he'd stayed on a friend's couch, but she later learned, by finding a receipt in his pocket, that he'd checked into a hotel. When asked why he'd decided against staying with the friend (she did not ask him why he had lied), he said, "I'm too old to sleep on couches." Now I told her: I didn't think she was crazy. If my hus­band behaved that way, I'd know he was having an affair.   But their relationship wasn't our relationship. A couch, a crush, a hotel. What might appear suspicious in my hus­band might not appear suspicious in hers. I tried to interpret her husband's behavior using their relationship template. I still thought he was having an affair. "I don't think you're crazy," I repeated. We wondered if she should break into his e-mail account. We were less concerned about the ethics of this breach than we were about its uselessness in court, so to speak. Reading her husband's e-mail was the equivalent of an illegal phone tap. She wouldn't be able to confront him with evidence procured in this manner. If she admitted that she'd read his e-mail, the marital wrongdoing could be shifted to her. She'd read his e-mail! What a trespass, what a violation! No wonder he'd needed to have an affair! Etc. Let's say, I said, that she read his e-mail and confirmed he was having an affair. How might she "stumble" upon further proof she could actually use? We talked about credit card receipts and whether or not a big charge at a hotel bar might signal that he hadn't been drinking alone. I wondered if she might accidentally discover a suspicious text string. A chain of acronyms exchanged with their for­mer neighbor that might suggest--they were speaking in code to avoid detection. "But," she said, returning to the possibility of reading his e-mail, "do I really want to find what I might find?" She quoted something I'd apparently said to her last winter--that if my husband read my e-mail, he deserved to learn whatever he discovered. I didn't remember saying this. On reflection, however, it seemed exactly the type of thing I would say. I stood by it.   "Maybe you don't want to know," I observed of her hus­band's possible infidelity. What would knowing get her? Her husband had slipped up once before they were mar­ried and evaded conviction despite compelling testimony against him--a statement from the woman he'd slept with, for example. He did not confess nor deny when presented with this testimony. He simply refused to admit the evi­dence to the court. (He refused to accept that there was a court.) My friend returned to the original evidence, such as it existed. "I don't know," she said. "Am I just crazy?" We'd entered a loop. Each time we found ourselves at a potential course of action, we'd shy away from the exit and the loop would reboot. Am I just crazy? Our loop reminded me of a recent interaction with a different friend. She's an artist; I am not. She'd tried as an artist (as opposed to a psychologist or, I don't know, a dentist) to demystify for me my obsession with certain objects. One of these objects is a hot-water tap handle I found in my house in Maine where, when I'm not teaching in New York, I live. The tap handle is enamel; it is cracked. I carry it with me everywhere. Once purely functional, it now serves no other purpose than to weigh down my bag. Every day, before I start writing, I draw this tap handle. The artist diagnosed my attraction to it as l'amour fou. André Breton, she told me, identified the affliction in his book Mad Love. He and Alberto Giacometti--depressed at the time--were walking through a Paris flea market in the spring of 1934; Breton feared that Giacometti might fall in love with a girl and, as a consequence of his sudden happiness or his brighter outlook on life, ruin a statue on which he was working and to which Breton felt obsessively attached. Breton worried in particular about the placement of the statue's arms, which were raised in a way to suggest they were holding or protecting something. He was right to worry. Due to precisely the sort of fleeting "feminine intervention" Breton feared, Giacometti fell in love with a girl and lowered the statue's arms. (Once this feminine intervention concluded, Breton reports of the arms, "with some modifications, they were reestablished the next day in their proper place.") What bothered Breton was not the loss of modesty implied by the lowered arms. What bothered him was the "disappearance of the invisible but present object." My tap handle--according to my artist friend, and also to Breton--was the invisible but present object, invisible in that I could not perceive its use or meaning, but I always needed it around. My friend's husband's maybe-infidelity was also the invisible but present object. My friend did not want her suspicion--which sustained the possibility that her husband both was and was not having an affair--to disappear by exposing it. She feared the lowering of hands. Still, I said to her as we drank beer, You are not crazy. You are not crazy. This is what she needs from me, I guess--the opportunity to perpetually wonder about her husband without the threat of ever knowing what, in a marriage, is or is not there. Excerpted from The Folded Clock: A Diary by Heidi Julavits All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.