Review by New York Times Review
DEPENDING ON YOUR point of view, CrIS Beam's "I Feel You: The Surprising Power of Extreme Empathy" might seem either laughably behind the times or naively, maybe even willfully, ahead - so far beyond our collective horizon as to be pretty darned invisible. After all, ours is an age when the president is more concerned with building walls than feeding and educating poor kids, Congress is polarized to the point of paralysis and just about everyone else is seemingly focused on getting theirs first. We've become a nation of hard cases, armed to the teeth, with fury battling cynicism for primacy as the default emotion. In this world, a book with a cover featuring one bonsai tree leaning lovingly toward another does not appear likely to find much of a place. And yet here is Beam passionately asserting that "the pendulum is swinging back toward feeling, back toward love and the communal. Back toward empathy." We can only hope. "I Feel You" is less a prescriptive self-help book than a thoughtful exploration of empathy in all its forms - physiological, historical, sociological and even personal, as Beam struggles to transcend her own less than empathic episodes and explores her aversion to opening herself to change. "Self-empathy was code for selfish," she explains before signing up for a workshop on just that. "One more link in a long chain of American entitlement." This is a radical book because it challenges the conventional wisdom that self-defense and punitive systems are the only way to keep ourselves physically and emotionally safe, and, maybe more important, because it asserts that it's possible to work for the betterment of society without the accompanying side effect of feeling like a chump. "I Feel You" is best thought of as a travelogue, with Beam an amiable and skeptical tour guide to places where anew understanding of empathy has led to new, successful applications. It's probably fortunate that she is a believer, but not an easy sell. Beam has done a lot of homework on her subject, and early on provides a lively distinction between genuine attempts at social change and what she calls "empathic design," corporate attempts to make us feel loved or needy or connected - with the goal that we buy more. As a Harvard Business Review story explains, "Enlightened companies are increasingly aware that delivering empathy for their customers, employees and the public is a powerful tool for improving products." Those adorable Facebook emojis are a case in point. Early in the book Beam tackles that default American compulsion to monetize even our deepest emotions, quoting, for instance, the headline of a Forbes article that offers that the best reason to teach empathy is "To Improve Education (and Test Scores)." But this isn't where Beam puts her emphasis, even though this section is as entertaining as it is damning of American capitalism. She's looking instead for deeper cuts - to understand first whether empathy is inborn or a skill to be learned, and then, either way, to investigate how it can be applied to some of our most intractable problems. She takes the obligatory trip through the history of how empathy has been studied in the past and journeys to the neuroscience lab to see what discoveries are being made about how humans feel. Some of the solutions she presents for deploying empathy in social situations may be familiar to those working in the fields of education and law. Restorative justice, for instance, "tries to weave a web of understanding and repair. It's messier than the decontextualized, one-two punch of crime and consequence. It's a humanized, empathic approach to what is, by design, the passionless metrics of the law." In practice, this means the student and teacher, or the playground bully and his or her victim, have an opportunity to talk about how they feel, a practice that would probably make the likes of Sean Hannity apoplectic. Special courts for prostitutes and veterans, where their behavior would be placed in context and they would be provided with housing and medical care, would also anger many. To the Fox News crowd, this might be called coddling. But studies of such diversionary programs are showing them to be more effective at preventing and reducing crime than the usual expulsions and prison sentences. And anyway, why not try? Few can claim that our conventional institutions are doing a great job. As Beam suggests, "at a time when the police, the whip-tail of our justice system, are finally being called out for their entrenched and learned brutality, this is the moment for overhaul." In fact, much of this book is a gentle manifesto, urging readers to change their view of themselves and others - not a bad idea in such a polarized, screen-dominated age. If you cringe at the idea of attending a conference on nonviolent communication, here's your chance to explore why, and to try, vicariously, to put yourself in the shoes of a nemesis. It may not be such a good idea to start with XXXL villains like Donald Trump or Nancy Pelosi, but the mirroring exercise Beam recounts is truly - and a little sadly - revealing. Next time you have an argument with a spouse, coworker or teenager, stop fighting for a minute and try repeating back to them exactly what they've said to you, without editorializing or overdramatizing. It's a humbling experience. Shifting from individual to societal empathy, Beam has a moving section on Eugene de Kock, the notorious South African death squad chief who captured, tortured and killed many in the anti-apartheid resistance. Beam wanted to understand how a seemingly ordinary man could become the embodiment of evil, but she goes further to examine how he built a life of remorse during and after his prison term. It is heartening to see him reclaim his humanity by apologizing, one by one, to families of his victims, who can then - sometimes, but not always - let go of their anger and hatred. It's probably not an idea that will work with gardenvariety sociopaths, or religious fundamentalists turned mad bombers, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded that there is usually some kind of groupthink behind acts of mass terror. If a society has to be rebuilt, as in Rwanda or the former Yugoslavia, then the question becomes how to move forward together. "When they acknowledge wrongdoing and show remorse, what should our response be?" one of Beam's sources asks. "Should we reject their apology and continue to punish them with our hatred? Or should we extend our compassion and invite them to journey with us on the road of moral humanity?" The latter is the tougher job. I wish that, along with her examination of the horrors visited on Native Americans and their subsequent attempts at making peace with their white oppressors, Beam had spent time investigating how empathy has acted between whites and African-Americans - maybe that was just too overwhelming, or too lacking in workable solutions. But even so, "I Feel You" is an important book. If it can't bring us around to empathy, maybe it can at least get us closer to civility. That would be a good start. 'When they acknowledge wrongdoing and show remorse, what should our response be?' MIMI SWARTZ is an executive editor of Texas Monthly and the author of the forthcoming "Ticker: The Quest to Create an Artificial Heart."
Copyright (c) The New York Times Company [May 6, 2018]
Review by Booklist Review
*Starred Review* It would be a mistake to assume there's nothing left to illuminate regarding the much-discussed topic of empathy, the defining phrase of the current American generation, according to Beam (To the End of June, 2013). Her exceptional intelligence, equally evident in her thinking and her writing, shines light on empathy from extraordinary angles. Unafraid to interrogate herself, Beam adopts both skeptical and supporting stances as she dives deep into empathy's historical roots and current iterations. In the Justice section of the book, Beam attends Human Trafficking Intervention Court, founded with the goal of shifting the lens from criminal to victim through which repeat offenders charged with prostitution are seen. Tens of thousands of American children are trafficked, and sending them to jail helps no one. Empathy is the worthy trigger for the shift. However, empathy fails when the helper's goal supersedes the actual person receiving empathy. Some who prostitute are not trafficked and do not want help leaving the trade. Empathy employed unwisely can resemble oppression. Beam opens with a section on understanding and closes with a challenging section on forgiveness. Her clear goal is to empower readers with the knowledge to enact the complicated and varied forms of empathy necessary to navigate modern times.--Dziuban, Emily Copyright 2018 Booklist
From Booklist, Copyright (c) American Library Association. Used with permission.
Review by Library Journal Review
Beam (creative writing, New York Univ.; To the End of June: The Intimate Life of American Foster Care and Transparent) discusses empathy in depth in this latest offering. The author first defines the concept and then goes on to discuss its role in marketing today. She presents possible biological origins of putting oneself in another's shoes by documenting past lab experiments on monkeys and human CT scans and discusses psychological experiments that reveal how compassionate people tend to be in different situations. She also writes about visiting classes in which new methods are being used to teach the quality to children. In addition, she writes about empathy in the justice system and prisons, and explains how an increased amount of this attribute can help people reform. Finally, Truth and Reconciliation Commissions are introduced. These groups are trying to use feeling for one another to heal victims of oppression, specifically Native Americans in Maine, and family members of victims of apartheid in South Africa. VERDICT A lively and well-researched look at how humans experience empathy, and why we should all have more of it.-Terry Lamperski, Carnegie Lib. of Pittsburgh, PA © Copyright 2018. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
(c) Copyright Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Review by Kirkus Book Review
Using empathy to achieve a kinder, gentler society.After enduring the crushing deterioration of a 10-year relationship, journalist and educator Beam (To the End of June: The Intimate Life of American Foster Care, 2013, etc.) offers an intelligent three-part exploration of empathy's cultural impact. An opening section devoted to understanding and utilizing empathy charts the groundbreaking neuroscientific studies of "mirror neurons" in the brain's sensory processing regions. The author then addresses the mixed results regarding schools that implement the teaching of empathy to both children and adults, largely due to the lack of agreement about what the sensation actually is. Beam effectively uses both personal anecdotes and a wide variety of interviews with people who have gained insight and growth from embracing empathy in addition to those who have become emotionally damaged due to a lack of empathy. She also touches on artistic empathy through the fascinating real-life story of a woman who works intimately with synthetic human replica dolls, work that "explores what's possible in the hidden, cut-off spaces, what's possible in the closet." Some people divert and monetize the form and function of empathy to their benefit, as is the case with what businesses call "empathetic marketing." As creatively explained by Beam, corporations use the term to temper the exploitative ploy of courting online users of social media sites with direct marketing advertisement. The author puts her unique spin on the mindful ideology behind forgiveness, self-empathy, and self-compassion, around which "a whole industry is now cranking," and she spends time exploring the South African research about absolving genocide. Beam's final commentary cohesively dovetails with her book's narrative points on her subject and acknowledges empathy, once learned, as having the potential to be "highly moral and deeply liberating."A fascinating and well-rounded view of how empathy functions in society and why some cultivate it as a skill while others consider it a good moral value. Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.
Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.
